Update on Practicum

I finally heard back from the director of nursing in regards to my practicum! She said she was going to discuss it with the powers that be over there at the vet hospital, and get back to me by this friday. Things are a-changing over there; they are making the students PAY for the learning experience, and I cannot use the vet that I was planning to use for my proctor. In any case, this is a step forward, since I have to complete the practicum before May or else my time runs out for the semester. 

There may also be a position open at the hospital, I would be a good fit since there is no lifting involved. I hope to hear back from someone this week about that as well.

My anxiety levels were up a little last week and this week, it could be that things are getting ready to change again in my life and I'm nervous; or it could just be the chemicals inside me making their presence known. I really hope I can do my schooling without incident, I don't want to be having a panic attack at an inopportune moment (not that there is a GOOD time for one).

Other than that, there is really nothing going on in my life right now..every day is the same, like Groundhog Day (I hate that movie but it sums up what I'm going through right now).

I hope to be able to blog about new and happy things by the end of this week!

Work Worries

My orthopedic surgeon wants to hold off on my back surgery, since my pain is getting better. He encouraged me to get back to work to see how my back (and the rest of me) holds up. So, I contacted my former place of employment, a large veterinary hospital where I was a tech. I left 2 messages with the HR director. No response. Yesterday I spoke to the vet whom I used to assist, and she told me they just hired someone to be her tech. Wonderful. Well, I still want to work there, so I contacted the personnel director, who, thankfully, answered her phone. She told me they were cutting back on jobs, there "may" be an opportunity for me, but nothing in the tech department, since lifting is contraindicated for me. 

This was very disheartening! I left a good job to go back to school to become a tech and work with animals, and now I find out that the only chance for me to work at this hospital would be in a non-animal job. 

Last night I thought of another option. I am supposed to be doing my practicum for school now, I was gearing up for it when my back went out. I emailed the personnel director with the request that I be allowed to complete my practicum there, then I could consider the other positions, should there be one available to me. Once I'm done with my practicum I would start my 2nd year of vet tech school.

Hopefully I will hear from her in a day or 2. In the meantime, I'm shocked at the state of the nation, that there are no jobs available and the resulting cut backs we all have to make. 

It's a cruel irony that I was told when I left that they would welcome me back, that I was a wonderful employee...only to be (almost) given the brush off now in these turbulent times.

I'm not truly ready to go to another place to work, since I'm still sorting out my depression and anxiety issues. Doing my practicum would slowly slide me back into a work environment and perhaps make me feel better as well.

I will keep you posted on my work progress.

My Wish List

As I was lying in bed last night tossing and turning and trying to fall asleep (otherwise known as The Nightly Ritual), I had this idea for today's post. I was thinking of all the things that I would wish for, if I was suddenly granted wishes. I'm going to give you more than just 3..I suppose I can put stars by the top 3, since that is the magic number of wishes that can be granted. 

I wish my Dad was still alive. ***

I wish my brother Geoff was still alive. ***

I wish my Heidi Q was still alive. ( I really want to give this stars, but I think my next one will get them)

I wish I went to a different college. ***

I wish I could sing. On key.

I wish my house was bigger. 

I wish football was on TV year round.

I wish I was still in high school.

I wish there would be a cute guy that liked me so I could flirt with him, and then in turn feel more attractive. I'm happily married but there is nothing wrong with a little flirting now and again.

Cute guy notwithstanding, I wish I WAS more attractive. Or younger, then I WOULD be attractive. Hmm, this is getting murky. Time to get back on track.

I wish I had a Jeep Grand Cherokee.

I wish my back wasn't herniated.

I wish I had more money.

I wish I played more sports when I was younger..like softball or basketball. I did play softball but only in grammar school. I was a 1st baseman.

I wish I could go up a long flight of stairs without getting winded.

I wish I didn't hate flying so I could go to exotic or far away places.

I wish my thighs were just a bit thinner. 

I wish I had become a vet tech sooner in life.

I wish I had appreciated my parents more when I was younger.

I wish I talked to them more about their childhood and young adult years, or at least their life before me.

I wish I could have clearer memories of my childhood..I have forgotten so much, and as I age these memories are all I will have left. 

I wish I could go skiing. I know how to, but the herniated discs put the kibosh on that activity.

I wish I could fall asleep quicker.

All these wishes make me sound like a needy wishful person...I'm realizing this now as I read over my list. But that is not true. This is just a list for fun, something to pass the time as I toss and turn at night. Perhaps my next post should be all the things that I have, and I'm grateful for.

But in the meantime, this is my wish list. Enjoy...and as you read it, think about what would be on YOUR wish list~

Requiem for a Greyhound

I was out walking my Greyhound, GiGi, this morning, when my neighbor Karen pulled up to my house in her car. I had not seen her for a while so I assumed she was saying hi. When I walked over to her car I saw she was crying.

"What happened?" I asked her. 

"Joey's dead! He got hit by a car this morning!" she sobbed. Joey was her beloved Greyhound puppy that she adopted earlier this year. She would take him for long walks down our block and Joey would always stop by to sniff hello to GiGi. All spring and summer I would see him and remark how big he was getting, and how well trained he was becoming. 

"How did this happen?" I asked Karen, who was wiping her eyes with a tissue. 

"I put him in the backyard like I do every morning, and he must have gotten out somehow! I called the police and they were responding to a loose dog on Route 130, but it was rush hour and he had gotten hit sometime after that", she told me tearfully. "He wasn't even a year old yet! I feel so awful!"

I know from experience that no words can assuage the sorrow when a beloved pet dies. I had to euthanize my other Greyhound when she grew too old to walk and go outside on her own...but I have never had a pet hit by a car. There is no way to prepare yourself for this shocking situation. 

I told Karen that she gave him a good life, no matter how short it was...and that at least he did not suffer in the hospital or on the side of the road, alone. I also told her that I was here, if she needed to talk, any time. 

So today's post is in remembrance of Joey: the fawn boy who would go for long walks, carrying his toy in his mouth and prancing down the block; who obeyed the command "sit" pretty well (for a puppy); who always wagged when he saw others and sometimes jumped up to give you a tongue slurp before his Mom admonished him to sit; who enjoyed the best life anyone could have given him before his curiosity led him to run free one last, fatal, time.

Rest In Peace, Joey. 

You were truly loved.

What I Do At Night

I would like to report, first of all, that I have been doing well the last couple of days..but I'm cautiously waiting for the sadness to come back. I hope it does not, of course..but perhaps I can see another light at the end of the tunnel. 

In the meantime, since the football season is almost over (sob!) I have been keeping busy with the following shows:

Monday thru Friday I always watch my favorite ESPN shows, Around The Horn and PTI.

The 6 pm SportsCenter is usually good too. Monday is also House night. Tuesday & Wednesday is American Idol night, Thursday is Grey's Anatomy night, and Friday is the night for Wife Swap (yes, I know, it's like a car accident you can't avoid staring at) and Friday Night Lights. 

I have also gone back to watching the 10 pm news on Fox, and of course the 11 pm SportsCenter.

I have also been getting up earlier (9:45 am) and doing more stuff during the day. I will see my doctor next month, he will interpret the new MRI results, and make the decision on my surgery then. Hopefully my good mood will continue and the pain will be manageable. 

Every day is like groundhog day..the same thing over & over..so there may not be a lot of posts unless I get an inspiration. I will do my best to find some inspiring things to blog about...in between all my TV watching, that is!

A Football Tribute

This post is going to be dedicated to the 2008-2009 Bowl season. It was a fun and exciting 34 games..a veritable football frenzy. Some of the highlights I'd like to share with you are:

Making NJ happy: The Papajohns.com Bowl, Rutgers 29, North Carolina State 23.

Lowest scoring game (and my personal favorite, since I'm a Beavers fan): The Sun Bowl, Oregon State 3, Pittsburgh 0. Clearly a defensive struggle.

Largest scoring differential: The Chick-Fil-A Bowl, LSU 38, Georgia Tech 3.

Biggest upset and highest scoring game: The Cotton Bowl, Ole Miss 47, Texas Tech 34.

The BCS Buster: The Sugar Bowl, Utah 31, Alabama 15. Utah would be the only college team undefeated, yet not given any respect by either the BCS computer or the voters.

The ending perfection game: The Poinsettia Bowl, TCU 17, Boise State 16. This was a heartbreaker for the Broncos, ending their undefeated season.

The making of Magnolia sad bowl: The GMAC bowl, Tulsa 45, Ball State 13. I'm a Ball State fan, and this was tough for me to watch as my Cardinals stunk it up.

Edge of your seat game: The Fiesta Bowl, Texas 24, Ohio State 21. You had to wait until the final seconds to see the Longhorns pull it out. 

And finally, the Big Game: The BCS Championship Bowl. Florida 24, Oklahoma 14. Tim Tebow was everything he was hyped up to be and more, as the Gators stopped the #1 ranked Sooners to win the 2nd BCS title in 3 years. His leadership was impressive and the game close enough to still be exciting.

All in all, a great college football year. The BCS rankings gave great argument fodder every week, especially as the season drew to a close. I think the system should be tweaked to include playoffs, so there can be one final, best, winner, not ranks given out by votes or a computer. Ask any college football fan what he or she thinks of the BCS system and prepare for some invective.

Finally, I would like to give some serious love to my Philadelphia Eagles, who beat the NY Giants today to move on to the NFC Championship game next week. We will be playing the Cardinals, and I sincerely hope we can pull it out to go to the Super Bowl. At the very least, I can relish the fact that we knocked off last year's champs. 

Go Eagles!!

Parental Advice

In my many hours of TV watching I have noticed a few commercials that are, well, let's just say they are a sign of the times. 

One commercial exhorts parents to make sure their kids "go out to play for an hour a day".  It shows kids paired with pro football players, running, throwing footballs and general physical activity. (A football game is 60 minutes of playing time, that is where the slogan comes from.)

The kids treat this physical activity as something NEW and UNIQUE. 

Imagine that, Mom! I can run and jump outside instead of sitting in front of the computer playing Madden 2009.

Parents are told to make sure their children get enough activity to grow up healthy. 

Remember when we were young? Staying indoors, no matter how cold or hot the weather, was NOT an option. We wanted to get OUT of the house, to hang out with our buddies for a game of manhunt, or football. We even rode our bikes to friends' houses!

The second commercial starts out with us hearing a man's voice chanting "all those boys are much too much". The chanting continues, and we start wondering why this man is chanting like that.  Eventually we are shown the man, who is outside practicing cheers with his young daughter. She has on a cute little uniform and pom poms. The funny part is this grown man doing the cheer, at first he looks very effeminate, but when you see the little girl it all makes sense.

That commercial is to tell parents to spend time with their children, so the children have a strong grownup presence in their lives.

Correct me if I'm wrong, but aren't parents SUPPOSED to spend time with their kids?

What state is our nation in if we have to have commercials on TV telling parents how to raise their children? 

I think it's time to go back to the old fashioned way of raising children. No more "time outs" or treating Mommy like an equal. Mom & Dad are in charge, if you get out of line you get a whack on the behind, and that's that. We were all brought up like that and we are fine. None of us ever thought of calling DYFS on our parents, did we?

I never did.

I guess I need to turn off the TV and get outside myself, if all these commercials are bothering me. 

New Year's Day

Happy New Year to you! As I sit here typing and feeling thankful that I am not working outside today, I am also hoping that 2009 will be better for me than 2008 was. There were good things in my life last year, but the entire year will be clouded with memories of my back injury and depression issues. 

Sometimes I think my life will never be the same, that I will never feel truly happy or be able to go back to work. Other times I think that there is a light at the end of the tunnel and I just have to be patient.

So I am looking to the New Year and its new beginnings. I'm not feeling particularly hopeful today, but I will be drowning my sorrows in the Rose Bowl and Orange Bowl games later. 

Thank goodness for football!

Once again, Happy New Year to all.

Small Steps

I started physical therapy again today. My orthopedic surgeon wants me to try that for a month and then check in with him to determine if I'm going to need surgery. I'm still taking my meds (I'm up to half a dose, from 1/3, seem to be tolerating it well) and today I started on ashwagandha, an herbal supplement to help my adrenal glands, anxiety and mood. I was a bit scared to take it, as I had tried it a few months ago and had a MASSIVE anxiety attack later on, but since my anxiety seems to be better I figured I'd try it again.

No problems to report!!

Now the next hurdle I have to get over is the habit I got into of falling asleep at 1 or 2 in the morning, sleeping til 11:30 and doing the whole thing again the next day. 

I was rx'd sleeping pills but I haven't picked them up at the pharmacy yet, not sure if I want to go down that road. 

I tried setting my alarm for 10am or so some days, but I just turned it off and tried to go back to sleep. 

If I'm going to go back to work, even part time, I have to be able to get up in the morning and function like a normal human being. 

So that is the next step I have to take..keep up with my meds and start getting up earlier.

I'll keep you posted with my progress...

I'm A Cliche

Or rather, I will be tomorrow...on christmas day! 

I'm going to be one of those people eating at a chinese restaurant!

I don't "do" christmas, there are no lights on my house, no tree, no presents. I will be spending the earlier part of the day with a friend at his stable (he gave all his help the day off so I will keep him company) and then go out to eat with the husband. Later on that night I will be watching ESPN as usual...and turning my thoughts to the New Year.

Hopefully 2009 will be better for us (and you too). 

However you choose to spend the holiday: I hope it is everything you want it to be.

Random Thoughts

I went to my doctor today for a follow up visit. He said I was looking better than when he saw me last time, and told me I would need a few more months (!) on my meds to really be back to my old happy self. 

He also told me that it was normal for me to be impatient to get better, since I am having a good day here & there, when the bad days come I get very sad & think I will never be ok. He told me it's normal to think like that and to have positive thoughts. I am working on those.

I've been feeling a bit....not jealous, but a little envious lately. I know that is not a good thing to feel, but sometimes I can't help it. I notice my friend's blogs and they are better than mine. My horses are not racing well, and other horses are. Lots of people have money and I don't. Hell, people have great lives and aren't depressed! That's one thing I DO have..depression. And those envious thoughts. I will have to work on banishing them too.

My last random thought is that everyone in NJ is going to be thrown into a tizzy tomorrow, due to the snow that is supposed to be coming. I'm not going to worry, if there is snow then I will try to enjoy it. One thing that I am enjoying is the Xmas lights on display throughout my town, it gives a festive air about it. I must be getting better because last week the lights didn't do a THING for me. 

Way Too Many Commercials

Ahh, the holiday season is upon us in full swing. Stores everywhere are exhorting consumers to BUY, BUY, BUY so their loved ones can feel truly loved this year. 

There are a million car commercials on tv, each one more intrusive and annoying than the next.

Jewelry stores are telling us that this holiday would not be complete unless the Mr drops beaucoup bucks on a sparkly little thing for the Mrs.

Shop till you drop!!

I am unfazed by all this blatant commercialism. I am a pagan, I don't celebrate Christmas, nor do I go around buying a million gifts. I celebrate the Winter Solstice, which gives thanks to "another year around the sun" and the beginning of a new year. I don't send out cards either. 

I would be putting up a tree, or lights on my house, if I had a few extra dollars to spend on the conifer or the extra electricity, but right now I don't. So Solstice will have to be celebrated in my heart this year. 

My hopes for 2009 are simple: a return to good health, continued close friendships and hopefully a little more money. 

As the season bustles all around you, take the time to stop and think: what really means the most to you?

Happy holidays to all.

A Kindness

My post today is a simple and quick one. I want to share how grateful I am to a friend of mine. He cared enough about me and my issues, that he took time out of his busy day to look up and email to me some links that would help me with financial assistance. 

I didn't ask for help, he just read my posts and thought of what I was going through. His kindness is extremely touching. I fully intend to "pay it forward" to another person who may be having a bad day.

Even though I am sad most of the time, this simple act of kindness cheered me up. Words can't express how I feel, knowing I have friends that care about me.

You are very special, J.

Thank you!!!

I am in the process of filling out the myriad of forms..I'll let you know the result as soon as I can.

Update on Surgery

After finally speaking to the doctor's office yesterday about my surgery (waiting for the dr to finish his chart, good thing I wasn't dying in pain or the like) it is being put on hold. My pain is mostly gone due to one of the pills I'm taking and the surgeon wants me to go to more physical therapy for a month and then go back to him for a follow up. 

I'm happy that I'm not needing the surgery right now, I wasn't sure how I was going to handle it anxiety wise. However, I still can't work because I'm still anxious! I'm taking both my meds again, today was a kinda crappy day, got up with the jitters, etc etc. 

My disability benefits ran out today also, so now I have money worries along with my health issues. If I can just have good days I will go back to work, part time to start with...so I can try to pay my bills and keep myself occupied. 

It's just very disheartening when I try to have a good day and my anxiety prevents me from doing so. 

When will this all end?

It's Baaaack!

Monday was a good day for me too, not too much vibrating and jittery-ness. Today, however, is a different story. I woke up at 10 with that old familiar fluttering in my chest. I laid in bed til 11, hoping it would miraculously go away. (Why do I DO that? I lie in bed trying to go back to sleep, thinking that it will be different when I wake up and I: a)never get back to sleep and b)get out of bed feeling the same. You would think I would try a new tactic by now).

I had to take my morning dose of my pill..I wanted to try to get through the day without it, but I had a doctor appointment today & didn't want the anxiety to get out of control. I was vaguely uneasy all throughout the day, and now it's 6:20 and I think I might be calming down. I'm going to dinner with a friend of mine in a little bit, and I'm happy to report that my appetite has come back. 

I lost about 10 pounds a few months ago when all this started in again..I'm a person that avoids food if I'm stressed or sad. Most of you eat when you get nervous or angry..not me. I'm just the opposite. Lately though, I have been enjoying my food again, hopefully I gained back those pounds.

The lesson I'm going to take from this is that: I had a few good days, I'm starting to eat again..so maybe the meds are starting to work. I just need more time.

Hopefully tomorrow will be another good day.