Small Steps

I started physical therapy again today. My orthopedic surgeon wants me to try that for a month and then check in with him to determine if I'm going to need surgery. I'm still taking my meds (I'm up to half a dose, from 1/3, seem to be tolerating it well) and today I started on ashwagandha, an herbal supplement to help my adrenal glands, anxiety and mood. I was a bit scared to take it, as I had tried it a few months ago and had a MASSIVE anxiety attack later on, but since my anxiety seems to be better I figured I'd try it again.

No problems to report!!

Now the next hurdle I have to get over is the habit I got into of falling asleep at 1 or 2 in the morning, sleeping til 11:30 and doing the whole thing again the next day. 

I was rx'd sleeping pills but I haven't picked them up at the pharmacy yet, not sure if I want to go down that road. 

I tried setting my alarm for 10am or so some days, but I just turned it off and tried to go back to sleep. 

If I'm going to go back to work, even part time, I have to be able to get up in the morning and function like a normal human being. 

So that is the next step I have to take..keep up with my meds and start getting up earlier.

I'll keep you posted with my progress...

I'm A Cliche

Or rather, I will be tomorrow...on christmas day! 

I'm going to be one of those people eating at a chinese restaurant!

I don't "do" christmas, there are no lights on my house, no tree, no presents. I will be spending the earlier part of the day with a friend at his stable (he gave all his help the day off so I will keep him company) and then go out to eat with the husband. Later on that night I will be watching ESPN as usual...and turning my thoughts to the New Year.

Hopefully 2009 will be better for us (and you too). 

However you choose to spend the holiday: I hope it is everything you want it to be.

Random Thoughts

I went to my doctor today for a follow up visit. He said I was looking better than when he saw me last time, and told me I would need a few more months (!) on my meds to really be back to my old happy self. 

He also told me that it was normal for me to be impatient to get better, since I am having a good day here & there, when the bad days come I get very sad & think I will never be ok. He told me it's normal to think like that and to have positive thoughts. I am working on those.

I've been feeling a bit....not jealous, but a little envious lately. I know that is not a good thing to feel, but sometimes I can't help it. I notice my friend's blogs and they are better than mine. My horses are not racing well, and other horses are. Lots of people have money and I don't. Hell, people have great lives and aren't depressed! That's one thing I DO have..depression. And those envious thoughts. I will have to work on banishing them too.

My last random thought is that everyone in NJ is going to be thrown into a tizzy tomorrow, due to the snow that is supposed to be coming. I'm not going to worry, if there is snow then I will try to enjoy it. One thing that I am enjoying is the Xmas lights on display throughout my town, it gives a festive air about it. I must be getting better because last week the lights didn't do a THING for me. 

Way Too Many Commercials

Ahh, the holiday season is upon us in full swing. Stores everywhere are exhorting consumers to BUY, BUY, BUY so their loved ones can feel truly loved this year. 

There are a million car commercials on tv, each one more intrusive and annoying than the next.

Jewelry stores are telling us that this holiday would not be complete unless the Mr drops beaucoup bucks on a sparkly little thing for the Mrs.

Shop till you drop!!

I am unfazed by all this blatant commercialism. I am a pagan, I don't celebrate Christmas, nor do I go around buying a million gifts. I celebrate the Winter Solstice, which gives thanks to "another year around the sun" and the beginning of a new year. I don't send out cards either. 

I would be putting up a tree, or lights on my house, if I had a few extra dollars to spend on the conifer or the extra electricity, but right now I don't. So Solstice will have to be celebrated in my heart this year. 

My hopes for 2009 are simple: a return to good health, continued close friendships and hopefully a little more money. 

As the season bustles all around you, take the time to stop and think: what really means the most to you?

Happy holidays to all.

A Kindness

My post today is a simple and quick one. I want to share how grateful I am to a friend of mine. He cared enough about me and my issues, that he took time out of his busy day to look up and email to me some links that would help me with financial assistance. 

I didn't ask for help, he just read my posts and thought of what I was going through. His kindness is extremely touching. I fully intend to "pay it forward" to another person who may be having a bad day.

Even though I am sad most of the time, this simple act of kindness cheered me up. Words can't express how I feel, knowing I have friends that care about me.

You are very special, J.

Thank you!!!

I am in the process of filling out the myriad of forms..I'll let you know the result as soon as I can.

Update on Surgery

After finally speaking to the doctor's office yesterday about my surgery (waiting for the dr to finish his chart, good thing I wasn't dying in pain or the like) it is being put on hold. My pain is mostly gone due to one of the pills I'm taking and the surgeon wants me to go to more physical therapy for a month and then go back to him for a follow up. 

I'm happy that I'm not needing the surgery right now, I wasn't sure how I was going to handle it anxiety wise. However, I still can't work because I'm still anxious! I'm taking both my meds again, today was a kinda crappy day, got up with the jitters, etc etc. 

My disability benefits ran out today also, so now I have money worries along with my health issues. If I can just have good days I will go back to work, part time to start with...so I can try to pay my bills and keep myself occupied. 

It's just very disheartening when I try to have a good day and my anxiety prevents me from doing so. 

When will this all end?

It's Baaaack!

Monday was a good day for me too, not too much vibrating and jittery-ness. Today, however, is a different story. I woke up at 10 with that old familiar fluttering in my chest. I laid in bed til 11, hoping it would miraculously go away. (Why do I DO that? I lie in bed trying to go back to sleep, thinking that it will be different when I wake up and I: a)never get back to sleep and b)get out of bed feeling the same. You would think I would try a new tactic by now).

I had to take my morning dose of my pill..I wanted to try to get through the day without it, but I had a doctor appointment today & didn't want the anxiety to get out of control. I was vaguely uneasy all throughout the day, and now it's 6:20 and I think I might be calming down. I'm going to dinner with a friend of mine in a little bit, and I'm happy to report that my appetite has come back. 

I lost about 10 pounds a few months ago when all this started in again..I'm a person that avoids food if I'm stressed or sad. Most of you eat when you get nervous or angry..not me. I'm just the opposite. Lately though, I have been enjoying my food again, hopefully I gained back those pounds.

The lesson I'm going to take from this is that: I had a few good days, I'm starting to eat again..so maybe the meds are starting to work. I just need more time.

Hopefully tomorrow will be another good day.