Monday, March 30, 2009

Delta Lambda Sigma Δ Λ Σ

I just joined a sorority through my online college. I had never joined one when I was actually IN college, and I have severe regrets right now. This morning I was looking through my college yearbook, and noticed that some of my friends were in a fraternity, played tennis, and joined other various clubs. I was in a few clubs but have no lasting memory of good times or close friends. Of course, that begs the question, "what did you actually DO in college?"
I have no idea. I studied, I know I cut a lot of classes, and hung out with my boyfriend a lot. I never made any close friends during those years, however. I'm still in touch with high school friends and people I worked with over the years, but I don't talk to any of my old college buddies. 
Anyway, back to the sorority. I'm quite excited to be a member, and am looking forward to wearing my "greek gear" as soon as I can. All this excitement and regret got me thinking. Why am I such a joiner? Earlier this year I was looking into a unitarian church, because I felt the need to "belong" and be a part of something ritualistic. I know I would find comfort in this. Unfortunately, the church was a little too far away for me to go every week and participate. 

What is lacking in my life that I need to be a part of something bigger than myself? Does that mean I feel like an outsider? Am I comforted by meaningless rituals? How would I know, I've never participated in something like that. 

Right now I have a lot of regrets. I truly wish I had gone to another college and been smart enough to participate in meaningful relationships. I wish I had been mature enough to find things on my own. 
I don't like to feel regretful but I can't shake this feeling right now. Perhaps I can fall back on the fact that I went to college in the 80's, and there was not as much "stuff" out there to join. (In the back of my mind I know that's not a good excuse, I was just lazy. It just looks like there is more out there due to the Internet and social networking sites.)

So what to do? I know wishing and thinking "could have, should have" is no good. I suppose I will wallow in self pity for a few more days, and then try to get out of it. I will offer to help get this new sorority off the ground, perhaps participating will help me feel like I'm finally a part of something. 
Maybe I'm just having a mid life crisis. I thought I had one a few years ago, but as I get older I've been thinking more about my own mortality and analyzing what I've accomplished during my life. 

I know I should not waste time with regrets. Hopefully I can find what I'm searching for and will finally feel fulfilled and happy.

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