What To Do When You're Not Doing It

Yesterday my boss told me that I will have to start coming to work on Tuesday at 11am again. That means no more having the whole day to myself until 4pm. This does not bode well for my studying, my writing, or my sleeping late.

Today I happen to have the day off, and after a fun filled day of shopping, flea markets, farmer's markets and bookstores, I am home by myself.

I should be doing my Business and Technical Writing homework. Failing that, I should be writing my novel.

I'm not doing either of those things. Instead, I'm writing this blog. Aren't I making good use of my time?

I guess not.

Here is a list of things that I end up doing when I know I have to work on my homework:

1. Check out FaceBook.

2. Check out Twitter.

3. Pet the dogs.

4. Fold laundry.

5. Chew on ice cubes and think.

6. Look at my "Writing Effective Communications" study guide and wish that I was never born.

7. Gaze longingly at the 4 books I just bought today and wish I could be reading them right now.

8. Go back to FaceBook to see if anything new showed up in my news feed.

9. Give the dogs a chewy stick and watch them eat it.

10. Call my best friend and tell him how busy I am and how I'm working hard on my writing.

As you can see right now, I'm actually very busy. Perhaps I will end this post while I'm on a roll, because I have so much to do.

As soon as I check my FaceBook just one more time......

Dumb Fish, Smart Pond

I was talking to Marsha today about her parents, and asked her if she felt proud that they were so smart. They were chemists. She said that their smartness did not help them at the end of their life, when they died in pain and wracked with Alzheimer's.

That took me back, because I just expected a simple yes or no answer. Marsha is always very philosophical.

That being said, I told her I wished I was smarter. I told her that in high school, I was a big fish in a little pond, I had many friends, got good grades, and felt a lot of self worth. Then I got into college and didn't pay all that much attention to my studies. I was too busy enjoying my freedom and my "grownup-ness", after all, in college no one is telling you what to do!

Back in my day, the guidance counselors gave you few options: go to college; become a nurse; work in an office; or be a mom. I went to college, but I didn't really know what I wanted to do with my life. I worked a lot of "jobs", not careers. I eventually wound up working in an office, something I swore I would NEVER do. I kept an office job for about 15 years.

Recently, my life path has lead me to work as a vet tech. I find myself being the dumb one surrounded by smart people.

Marsha told me that just because you are a vet doesn't mean you are smart, it just means you are educatable. (See, more philosophy.)

I told her that I felt that so many people at my hospital were smarter than me and it was unnerving. I feel that my intelligence has diminished since I got out of high school, and there are times when I hear the vets talking that I feel like an utter moron.

I have to remind myself that they went to vet school, so they better know what they are talking about! I still wish I had done something better with my life 20 years ago, though. I would have loved to be surrounded by smartness when I was still young enough to really make the most of it.

I will have to be content with the knowledge that I have a rewarding career now, and not to regret anything that I have done (or not done) in my past. I just wish I hadn't let all my brains dribble away, because I really need to use them now.

Discipline is Needed

I have been reading more books on how to get published, and I have learned a few things.

1. You must write every day, no matter what you are going to do with it.

2. You must read a lot as well, good stuff and bad, because it all soaks into your head and helps you become a better writer.

3. You must develop a thick skin, because there is a lot of rejection out there. A story like "Harry Potter" comes along once in a million years.

4. Grammar, spelling and style are legion. You must either know how to spell or use a good spellcheck program. (This does not worry me, I'm a great speller.)

5. Finally, discipline and perseverance must be your strengths. Keep at it and don't give up, if you do, then you are not a writer, only a dabbler.

I still have a long way to go...I think the hardest part is writing every day. When I was younger I would write a few lines (or more) in my diary every night before bed. I wish I had that enthusiasm now, because it just seems that my daily life is not that interesting to write it all down.

However, the more I think about it, I was not writing it down because it was interesting..I was documenting everything that happened because I wanted to REMEMBER it. Sure, there was a lot more drama in my life back then, but now I can draw upon my life's experience and knowledge to create, not just document.

I will keep working at it.

Doing It For Myself

Today was haircut day for me. I have been getting my hair cut short for a while now, much to the dismay of my husband. However, I keep telling him that I'm doing things for ME now, as opposed to when I was younger and trying to follow the crowd, or give in to peer pressure, or wear things because I thought I was "supposed to".

I'm middle aged (ugh!) and have come to realize that I do not have teenage hormones raging inside me, affecting every decision I make. I am comfortable in who I am, and my life experience makes me realize that I no longer have to please people with my appearance. Not that short hair makes me ugly...I just have more confidence inside to wear this style. It's easy to take care of and doesn't get in the way when I'm working.

Perhaps "confidence" is not the proper word to describe how I feel. At this point of my life I just don't care about what people are going to say or think about me. I have a great career, I'm well-read, am happy being me, and do not concern myself with other's opinions. I don't have time for the drama.

Right now I'm waiting for my husband to come home, and I'm sure the first words out of his mouth will be "I remember when your hair was long, you used to be hot."

Hey! I'm still hot. I'm a smart confident woman with a life plan. What could be hotter than that?

Nothing To See Here Folks, Move Along

I either must have a really boring life or a really lousy imagination. I see blogs updated daily and admire those writers. I suppose I can toss up a few lines here and there if I were to do it on a daily basis, but I don't think that is me. I've been doing the same school/work cycle that has consumed me for the past few years...and I've been seriously considering writing a book. I've started doing research on how to get a book published, and so far I've discovered that it is nigh impossible, unless you self publish.

I don't want to self publish. That says to me anyone with a dollar and a manuscript can see their work in print. I want an editor to justify my writing. I want to be told that my ideas are worth getting out there. I want my talent to be confirmed.

Yeah, me and about a million other writers out there.

So this explains why there is nothing going on here. I keep thinking about writing instead of actually DOING it. Of course, anything I post online usually will not be used in a book, something to do with "first rights" and "second rights" or something like that. So, the things I'm actually thinking about writing about cannot be posted here.

Guess you will have to wait for the book.

An Example of Compassion

This little anecdote will explain why the vet I work with is a wonderful role model. The other day we were in central treatment working on a dog. There was an anesthesia box on the other table with a critter in it. Upon closer inspection we found that it was a possum with bite wounds. He was in the process of being anesthetized/euthanized. He was still awake, however, and was able to look around at all the activity in our hospital. My vet shook her head and said to me, "They are such shy creatures, he must be so scared watching all this stuff going on around him!" She took a minute to find a towel to drape over the box to block the possum's view, so that in the last moments of his conscious, pain filled existence, he would not have to be scared too.

Possums are nocturnal creatures that favor dark, secure areas. My vet understood this and had empathy for this wild creature, enough so that she took time out of her busy day to make his world feel safe.

That touched me, but did not surprise me. She continues to show me examples of kindness towards animals and depth of caring that I can only hope to approximate in my lifetime.

Thanks, Marsha.

It's OK To Let Go

As I was walking thru the parking lot at work the other day, getting ready to go inside, I heard my name being called. It was one of our long term clients, pulling in for an early appointment. I went over to her car to say hello and was met with two sad faces and a slowly wagging tail.

My heart sank, for I immediately knew what was to come.

Our patient, who was diagnosed with congestive heart failure about a year ago, was not doing well at all. We had been keeping a close eye on him over the last few weeks, as he needed more Lasix than normal and was having a lot of coughing fits. As I petted him and gazed into his sweet Maltese eyes, I heard the owners ask me if I thought it was his time.

We talked about quality of life, the quality of Teddy's life, and life in general. From what they told me I did believe he was suffering and not able to enjoy the things he once was.

I told them I would meet them inside, and hurried inside to punch in and tell the in - window that they were coming.

I escorted them into our Comfort Room. We talked some more, and shared stories of Teddy and his life with this man and woman that loved him so.

My vet came in, and we listened as they described his physical condition. Both their faces searched ours, for a sign that it was time to let him go. Teddy snuggled between them, comforted by their warmth and loving hands as they took turns petting him.

They decided to let him go, to give him peace.

The husband was having an especially hard time coming to terms with this, and even as he watched me walk away with Teddy to place his catheter, his face showed words that he could not say out loud.

The triage techs held Teddy as his catheter was placed, and I gave him some oxygen to make his labored breathing easier for him. I know it did him some good because his tongue color became more pink and he was not struggling.

Finally we brought him back to the Comfort Room and he eagerly went back to his mom's arms. He took up his spot between mom & dad as we began our task that is both caring and painful at the same time.

His dad was telling him how much he loved him and what a good boy he was. Mom was stroking his soft fur and holding back tears.

As my vet sedated him so he could pass peacefully, Teddy did something I've never seen before. As he was slowly relaxing, he seemed to focus for a second and then he lifted his head back up....turned to his dad....and gave him a few kisses, licking his face three times, then settling back down to relax again. His passing was very peaceful after that, as he was loved and petted in his final seconds.

I wiped my tears away, my vet reached over to get a tissue for her eyes, and as silence settled over the room I could not get Teddy's final action out of my head. His dad started to cry in earnest and I said to him, "He wanted to let you know it was OK to let him go, he kissed you to give you strength and love as a lasting memory of him."

I believe he was letting them know that he would be OK, waiting at the Rainbow Bridge until they all met again.

It was the most touching euthanasia I have ever witnessed, and Teddy's memory will stay with me forever.

Rest in Peace...you were loved every much.

A Cobweb Site

That is what this blog is turning into...going from a web site to a cobweb site because I haven't written in almost a month. Either my life is very boring or very busy.

I will choose the latter, in between studying for my vet tech degree and learning more about Wicca I don't have much free time. Nor has the urge to write grabbed me.

I'm wrong there. I was pondering creating a new blog to document the exploits of my recently expanded Mini Schnauzer family, as I've adopted 2 more girls. That brings the number of terriers in my house to 3. I was only supposed to take one but couldn't choose between them, and my husband was pressuring me to keep them both.

I'm glad I did.

So I'm sure I could fill up a blog pretty regularly with photos and tales of their exploits. I'm going to let the idea simmer a bit and see if I can fit it into my busy day.

Drama at ShopRite

My mom and I took our monthly food shopping trip the other day. It actually was about 2 months since we had been shopping, so I had the world's largest list. I had almost no food in my house and I also needed mundane things like mayonnaise, ketchup, soap, etc.

By the time we got to aisle 5 the cart was almost full. (We start at aisle 1 and go up & down every one.)

By the time we got to aisle 10 I told my mom to get another cart.

Bear in mind, it was Saturday, so the store was quite full. As we maneuvered our carts up and down the aisles, checking items off our list....it happened.

My mom accidentally "ran over" someone's ankles with her cart. She never learned to drive a car, so it's safe to say that she doesn't have a lot of experience driving much of anything. We've all been "run over" at the supermarket--someone behind us bangs our poor ankles with the little bumper thingy on the bottom of the cart. Usually the one hit turns around and gives a death glare to the one who hit you, and that is that.

This time was different. The man that my mom ran over turned around and yelled "For Christ's sakes, lady! That's the second time I got hit in this store today, watch where the hell you're going!"

I was all ready to tell the man to stop yelling at my poor old mom.....when I realized...and my mom did too......that the man she ran over was none other than Chuck "The Bayonne Bleeder" Wepner.

Needless to say, we kept our mouths shut. It truly was an accident, and she was all ready to apologize, but when he started yelling it took us by surprise, and he walked away before she could get the apology out.

The rest of our shopping trip passed without incident. 20 grocery bags were loaded into my car and we were off.

It's always a fun day with mom!

Writing Pluses and Minuses

This month will be over before we know it! I'm pretty disappointed in the fact that there are only 2 posts for January. I suppose it's a combination of not thinking I have interesting things to blog about, combined with the fact that my free time is spent studying.

A few weeks ago I had considered the idea of writing a book...and I see that if I ever did go through with it I would have to be done with school. How anyone writes and works full time is beyond me. Of course, there is a lot more research I would have to do before I even attempted to pull this off. I'm not sure if I'm supposed to actually write the book before getting an agent or publisher, or get them first and then be under the gun to produce.

Knowing me, I'd rather have the thing written to avoid stress.

That being said, I will have to work on blogging more. I'm sure interesting things happen at work all the time but I see it all day long so I don't consider it blog-worthy.

I'm studying 2 subjects right now, one class should be done in a few months and then I will have a whole new area to blog about. I don't want to say anything about it now, but I'm very excited to be learning new things. I feel much more complete inside.

Big Brother Is Watching

One of my favorite novels is "1984" by George Orwell. I remember reading it many times and being thankful that I did not live in such a dystopia. I felt sorry for the main characters and wondered what life would be like having someone watching my every move.

This world is rapidly approaching that concept.

I found out from my husband that there are red light cameras stationed on many of the traffic signals along my route to work. I never noticed them, but this morning I made sure to check as I commuted.

There they were! I was dismayed to see them, for that means I have to be extra careful as I travel along to work. I cannot scoot through a yellow light like I have done in the past. I know it's all done for safety, but I can't help thinking that this is only the beginning. There are cameras in elevators, cameras in the stairwells at my job, cameras at ATM's and fast food restaurants, and major cities like New York and Philadelphia have them on a lot of street corners to observe and record activities 24 hours a day.

We are told they are there to "keep us safe". When will the authorities take the next step and start making these cameras more intrusive? We are already told we cannot talk on the phones in our car, we must wear our seat belts as we drive, bike helmets are required...I could go on and on. Are we so fragile and incompetent that we need laws for everything? How did the general public function before all these laws were in place?

When did privacy become a premium?

I realize that these camera were put up originally at high accident intersections to either keep everyone honest, or, failing that, be able to determine the perpetrator of an accident that was caused by careless driving. But what is the reason for cameras on every corner? I can only think it's becoming an easy way for a town to make easy money by snaring the unsuspecting occasional yellow light scofflaw. It is too easy to make the jump from 1 camera in town to multiple sites, then to more intrusive ways to spy on the public.

I prefer to live my life in relative anonymity. I certainly do not want to end up like Winston Smith, the hero of 1984.

What are your thoughts on this?

Rainy Days Are The Best

You would think that with an interesting job like mine I would be blogging every day. I suppose I probably could come up with a short story about an interesting patient or weird client on a daily basis, but I prefer quality over quantity.

Plus I don't have a lot of free time. I do get ideas of what I want to write about and then when I get to the computer it's all out of my head, or I second guess myself and feel that it's not that interesting.

As I sit here today and wonder what to write about (I felt guilty that I've only posted once this month so I'm forcing myself) it's pouring rain outside. All the snow that fell earlier is melted and the entire world is wetter than you could possibly imagine.

I love rainy, windy days. When I wake up and the sky is gray and rain is in the forecast I can feel my spirit lift. The sound of rain on the roof is very soothing to me, and I can drift off to sleep easily.

I found this picture the other day and added it to another one of my websites. This describes me perfectly! Wind & rain outside, I'm warm and dry inside, reading and having a cup of tea.

I used to work outdoors and even then I just bundled myself up and got rained on. It is, after all, only water.

I enjoy water in all forms. One of my favorite summer activities is to float around the "lazy river" at my local water park. I always say--if I was rich I would create my own lazy river in my backyard.

Swimming pools and hot tubs beckon me as well. I can remember swimming in my own pool when I was very young. I would spend countless hours splashing and floating in the water, completely at peace.

Come to think of it, that is how I feel now, with the rain pelting down around me.

I don't get depressed and wish for sunshine, as I know that will come after the rain is done. I enjoy all types of weather, but most of all, I'm thankful for life giving rain.

A Little Girl Lost Her Companion

A young girl lost her companion today, a dog named Jake.

Amid all the hustle and bustle of the season, the mad dash for presents, the brightly colored lights, and the cold air swirling around us all...time stopped for a moment.

It stopped for a dog named Jake, who was possibly 12, or 13 years old. His age is immaterial, because no matter the number the story still ends the same way.

Time stopped for this little girl, who accompanied her old friend to the clinic to wish him goodbye. She was blind to the gaily colored lights and Christmas decorations...because her eyes were full of tears and her heart was breaking.

As they wheeled her beloved pet in on a gurney, he was bundled up snugly against the cold, but he was still shivering. Perhaps he knew the journey that lay before him. He most certainly took comfort from the gentle hands stroking him as the gurney trundled along.

Time slowed down along with his heart and his breathing as my vet helped him depart this world, full of Christmas hopes and wishes, blinking lights and falling temperatures.

He passed surrounded by love, petted by the small hand of a little girl who will always remember this Christmas, not for what it has given, but what it has taken away.

A young girl lost her friend today.

Some Things Change, Some Things Stay The Same

In my previous post I wrote that I was not satisfied with an essay I was writing for a school contest. I finally gave up and sent it in.

I won.

When I got the email notifying me that I was the winner, I danced all around my house with my laptop. I yelled so loud I hurt my throat. I felt so wonderful that my writing was prize-worthy.

At least one thing turned out right this month. Money is still very tight and so is my back, for that matter. I'm seeing a chiropractor and she tells me that it will be a slow but steady recovery.

I still have NOT gotten my car back either...the body shop keeps telling me "the middle of next week" every time I call. That was about a month ago. I'm really hoping to get my car back before Christmas at this rate.

Of course, the Christmas season is in full swing right now. Thanksgiving was barely over before I began to get inundated with commercials exhorting me to buy and buy.

And what is the deal with Black Friday? Some stores were open on Thanksgiving, others opened up at 3 or 4 AM...and people were lining up around the block waiting to get in.

I know the day after Thanksgiving is traditionally a shopping day, but it seemed like this year the shopping and sales trampled over our quest to give thanks.

That's a change I don't like.

There is one change I'm looking forward to: a trip to Atlantic City in the near future. I have not returned there since my back gave out last year. I'm looking forward to my comped room and a great massage from the spa. And let's not forget The Pool, which is one of my favorite places ever.

Perhaps a New Year will bring some better things my way. I can only wait and see.

Sometimes I Get Discouraged

Usually my posts are happy and pleasant in nature....not so today. I'm feeling very discouraged and down today. I'm upset because I have money issues and my husband is unemployed. My paycheck is not enough to cover all our bills. He's been looking for work, but things are just not working out for him at this time.

I'm sad because I still don't have my car back from the shop where it has been since early September, when I got T-boned by a driver that "didn't see me". It sustained $15,000 worth of damage and since it's a 2010 parts are not readily available. So I've been making car payments on something that I'm not even using.

I'm frustrated because I'm trying to write an essay for a school contest and want to give my best effort, but I'm not happy with what I've written and the deadline is looming.

I'm irritated because my back is stiff and sore, even with the physical therapy, and I thought a few months ago I was on the road to recovery...until my accident.

Don't get me wrong, I still love my job and my life...I just have some issues that are weighing heavily on my mind now and I just wish the road ahead would be smoother.

I guess I just have to give things some time to work out.