Saturday, October 25, 2008

Writer's Block and Pain

Ok, I know my web site has turned into a cobweb site..I haven't been posting in a while. I've been having some personal issues and I'm suffering from writer's block as well.
I have severe chronic back pain, and the last few weeks have been terrible for me. Remember my last post? I exacerbated my herniated discs and I've been in la la land ever since. I did go for my epidural Monday, and there are a few hours in the day where I don't have pain..but then unfortunately those hours get filled up with depression and anxiety. 
Yesterday was a very bad day for me. I tried to keep myself busy but there was that pervasive humming and sense of unease inside me, that life was worthless, why bother doing anything, all I wanted to do was sleep, etc. 
I asked my husband to come with me to the mall at 7 pm last night just to get me out of the house and stimulate my mind! I have absolutely no money to buy stuff, I just wanted a change of scenery.
When we got to the mall everyone was laughing, and happy, all the teenagers were there for friday night date night..and there I was. I felt isolated, alone, nervous, and unhappy. 
I felt a bit of panic coming over me, but I told myself that I was "safe", I wasn't going crazy, I was in control, all that good stuff.
After about 20 minutes of walking around (and realizing how out of touch with the world I am, considering all the new fashions, games, electronics etc) I decided I had had enough. We came home and I snuggled into my favorite spot on the sofa and watched TV.
Today is a better day for me. I'm going to see my mom, always an uplifting experience. I'm also going to make sure I take all my new meds that my holistic MD gave me (vitamins B & D, GABA, adrenal support capsules, fish oil capsules) and try to keep a positive attitude. I can't go back to work but I'm going to see if a friend of mine can use a pair of hands for a couple hours a day. I won't get paid but at least I will have a purpose in life, and I won't be faced with the same old boring thing every day.

I truly hope this 2nd epidural works, because the next step is surgery. I would gladly take the surgery if I knew it would be the end of my back issues and PAIN once and for all.

I'm a little disappointed in this post, as I take my writing very seriously and want to make every post witty and readable. This just had to be said, however, and you can't sugarcoat pain and depression.
Hopefully my writer's block will lift and I will be my wonderful self again soon.

1 comment:

Solareclipse said...

Hi Sweeite,
I'm sorry you are down and out.. I am glad to see you are getting out still and doing things.. i was not so fortunate when i suffered from that crap.
You will better off once you have the surgery i'm sure. as everyone i know that has had back surgery wishes they would have had it sooner.
The light is getting brighter just keep your chin up.