Small Steps

I started physical therapy again today. My orthopedic surgeon wants me to try that for a month and then check in with him to determine if I'm going to need surgery. I'm still taking my meds (I'm up to half a dose, from 1/3, seem to be tolerating it well) and today I started on ashwagandha, an herbal supplement to help my adrenal glands, anxiety and mood. I was a bit scared to take it, as I had tried it a few months ago and had a MASSIVE anxiety attack later on, but since my anxiety seems to be better I figured I'd try it again.

No problems to report!!

Now the next hurdle I have to get over is the habit I got into of falling asleep at 1 or 2 in the morning, sleeping til 11:30 and doing the whole thing again the next day. 

I was rx'd sleeping pills but I haven't picked them up at the pharmacy yet, not sure if I want to go down that road. 

I tried setting my alarm for 10am or so some days, but I just turned it off and tried to go back to sleep. 

If I'm going to go back to work, even part time, I have to be able to get up in the morning and function like a normal human being. 

So that is the next step I have to take..keep up with my meds and start getting up earlier.

I'll keep you posted with my progress...

I'm A Cliche

Or rather, I will be tomorrow...on christmas day! 

I'm going to be one of those people eating at a chinese restaurant!

I don't "do" christmas, there are no lights on my house, no tree, no presents. I will be spending the earlier part of the day with a friend at his stable (he gave all his help the day off so I will keep him company) and then go out to eat with the husband. Later on that night I will be watching ESPN as usual...and turning my thoughts to the New Year.

Hopefully 2009 will be better for us (and you too). 

However you choose to spend the holiday: I hope it is everything you want it to be.

Random Thoughts

I went to my doctor today for a follow up visit. He said I was looking better than when he saw me last time, and told me I would need a few more months (!) on my meds to really be back to my old happy self. 

He also told me that it was normal for me to be impatient to get better, since I am having a good day here & there, when the bad days come I get very sad & think I will never be ok. He told me it's normal to think like that and to have positive thoughts. I am working on those.

I've been feeling a bit....not jealous, but a little envious lately. I know that is not a good thing to feel, but sometimes I can't help it. I notice my friend's blogs and they are better than mine. My horses are not racing well, and other horses are. Lots of people have money and I don't. Hell, people have great lives and aren't depressed! That's one thing I DO have..depression. And those envious thoughts. I will have to work on banishing them too.

My last random thought is that everyone in NJ is going to be thrown into a tizzy tomorrow, due to the snow that is supposed to be coming. I'm not going to worry, if there is snow then I will try to enjoy it. One thing that I am enjoying is the Xmas lights on display throughout my town, it gives a festive air about it. I must be getting better because last week the lights didn't do a THING for me. 

Way Too Many Commercials

Ahh, the holiday season is upon us in full swing. Stores everywhere are exhorting consumers to BUY, BUY, BUY so their loved ones can feel truly loved this year. 

There are a million car commercials on tv, each one more intrusive and annoying than the next.

Jewelry stores are telling us that this holiday would not be complete unless the Mr drops beaucoup bucks on a sparkly little thing for the Mrs.

Shop till you drop!!

I am unfazed by all this blatant commercialism. I am a pagan, I don't celebrate Christmas, nor do I go around buying a million gifts. I celebrate the Winter Solstice, which gives thanks to "another year around the sun" and the beginning of a new year. I don't send out cards either. 

I would be putting up a tree, or lights on my house, if I had a few extra dollars to spend on the conifer or the extra electricity, but right now I don't. So Solstice will have to be celebrated in my heart this year. 

My hopes for 2009 are simple: a return to good health, continued close friendships and hopefully a little more money. 

As the season bustles all around you, take the time to stop and think: what really means the most to you?

Happy holidays to all.

A Kindness

My post today is a simple and quick one. I want to share how grateful I am to a friend of mine. He cared enough about me and my issues, that he took time out of his busy day to look up and email to me some links that would help me with financial assistance. 

I didn't ask for help, he just read my posts and thought of what I was going through. His kindness is extremely touching. I fully intend to "pay it forward" to another person who may be having a bad day.

Even though I am sad most of the time, this simple act of kindness cheered me up. Words can't express how I feel, knowing I have friends that care about me.

You are very special, J.

Thank you!!!

I am in the process of filling out the myriad of forms..I'll let you know the result as soon as I can.

Update on Surgery

After finally speaking to the doctor's office yesterday about my surgery (waiting for the dr to finish his chart, good thing I wasn't dying in pain or the like) it is being put on hold. My pain is mostly gone due to one of the pills I'm taking and the surgeon wants me to go to more physical therapy for a month and then go back to him for a follow up. 

I'm happy that I'm not needing the surgery right now, I wasn't sure how I was going to handle it anxiety wise. However, I still can't work because I'm still anxious! I'm taking both my meds again, today was a kinda crappy day, got up with the jitters, etc etc. 

My disability benefits ran out today also, so now I have money worries along with my health issues. If I can just have good days I will go back to work, part time to start with...so I can try to pay my bills and keep myself occupied. 

It's just very disheartening when I try to have a good day and my anxiety prevents me from doing so. 

When will this all end?

It's Baaaack!

Monday was a good day for me too, not too much vibrating and jittery-ness. Today, however, is a different story. I woke up at 10 with that old familiar fluttering in my chest. I laid in bed til 11, hoping it would miraculously go away. (Why do I DO that? I lie in bed trying to go back to sleep, thinking that it will be different when I wake up and I: a)never get back to sleep and b)get out of bed feeling the same. You would think I would try a new tactic by now).

I had to take my morning dose of my pill..I wanted to try to get through the day without it, but I had a doctor appointment today & didn't want the anxiety to get out of control. I was vaguely uneasy all throughout the day, and now it's 6:20 and I think I might be calming down. I'm going to dinner with a friend of mine in a little bit, and I'm happy to report that my appetite has come back. 

I lost about 10 pounds a few months ago when all this started in again..I'm a person that avoids food if I'm stressed or sad. Most of you eat when you get nervous or angry..not me. I'm just the opposite. Lately though, I have been enjoying my food again, hopefully I gained back those pounds.

The lesson I'm going to take from this is that: I had a few good days, I'm starting to eat again..so maybe the meds are starting to work. I just need more time.

Hopefully tomorrow will be another good day.

In Praise of SportsCenter

As most of you know by now, I'm not working due to health issues. Therefore most of my evenings are spent in front of the TV, on the couch. 

I've watched ESPN for a few years now, as Around The Horn and PTI are 2 of my favorite shows. But since my sleep/wake cycle is majorly screwed up, I've begun watching SportsCenter at all hours of the night. Usually my nighttime viewing consists of whatever college football game is on, then I tune in to SportsCenter. It's on all night! You can't beat it!

I would be so much more miserable if it weren't for football and ESPN. 

Today I decided to stop taking one of my meds to see how I felt. This one pill leaves me feeling flat and unemotional. I really have no way of knowing if I'm getting better or not. Today I woke up and figured if I was too anxious later on, I would take that pill. I'm happy to report that I didn't need it, and it's now almost 5:30 pm.

I'm still undecided if I should take my evening dose or not...but as I lie on the couch tonight and watch Sunday Night Football I will be awake and optimistic. And there's always my old friend, SportsCenter, to get me through the late hours.

To Cut or Not To Cut

My orthopedic surgeon said I was a candidate for surgery...I'm in the process of waiting for an appointment for pre-surgery tests. However, I've been taking a medication that also helps pain. Hence, I no longer have back pain! That is a good thing, but I'm not sure if I should be going for that surgery now. If I stop taking these meds will the pain come back? I'm not ready to quit the meds just yet..it may be at least 6-8 months until I don't need them any more. Then what will happen??

I really don't want to be recovering from surgery during the coldest part of the year either. Part of the recovery is walking frequently, not bending or twisting, or sitting. So how am I supposed to put my socks on, and all the layers of clothing so I stay warm outside? Have my mom come over and dress me? 

The only thing I want for Xmas is for my anxiety to go away, and for me to be able to work again, even if it's only part time. My back no longer seems to be an issue.

Auugggghhh!!! I'm SO confused!

Change

Well, Barack got elected. He won on the platform of CHANGE. 

I, for one, deeply desire change. I want the economy to get better. I want my back to stop hurting. I want to be happy again. I want to go back to work.

My life truly needs change, and for the better!

I know Barack Obama cannot give me these things I desire...but I will not stop hoping for them to take place.

I go to see an orthopedic surgeon this Monday, hopefully that will show me a light at the end of that tunnel.

I'm one week into my anti depressants, I'm on 1/3 dose since the side effects are killing me. I know they take a few weeks to work but it would be nice to catch a glimpse of the old me, the happy me, the content Magnolia. 

Change cannot come soon enough.

Severe Weather

Did you ever notice that weather makes headlines just by existing? No matter what is going on in the world; war, kidnappings, economic downturns, sports...all of it can be wiped out by a massive thunderstorm, high winds, or... snow in October.

I realize that an October snowstorm is unusual in itself, but it's interesting to wonder what kind of headlines the TV and print news would be blaring if there was no snow yesterday. People everywhere were making comments and sighing, as if this was the portent of the worst winter ever.

It's a weather ANOMALY! Get over it!! We are here in New Jersey, where there are 4 distinct seasons. All the weather gets their share: heat, cold, rain, wind, snow, and nice weather too.  

There is still other news out there, like the upcoming election (perhaps we have election fatigue and the weather provided a respite). There is other news like the World Series (oops, game 5 was suspended due to rain. That in itself was a headline, it's never happened before. Which makes me wonder why football can be played in the rain but baseball can't. Aren't they both dangerous in less than optimum conditions? But I digress).

Certainly there can be other news found besides severe weather. But we are a nation of weather watchers, students of the elements if you will. We stay glued to the TV whenever there is something happening in the atmosphere, myself included. That's not really a bad thing. Without weather what would small talk consist of? 

In any case, the snow is over with, for now. Things will get back to normal and the real news will come to the forefront again. It's all just a big cycle.....

Writer's Block and Pain

Ok, I know my web site has turned into a cobweb site..I haven't been posting in a while. I've been having some personal issues and I'm suffering from writer's block as well.

I have severe chronic back pain, and the last few weeks have been terrible for me. Remember my last post? I exacerbated my herniated discs and I've been in la la land ever since. I did go for my epidural Monday, and there are a few hours in the day where I don't have pain..but then unfortunately those hours get filled up with depression and anxiety. 

Yesterday was a very bad day for me. I tried to keep myself busy but there was that pervasive humming and sense of unease inside me, that life was worthless, why bother doing anything, all I wanted to do was sleep, etc. 

I asked my husband to come with me to the mall at 7 pm last night just to get me out of the house and stimulate my mind! I have absolutely no money to buy stuff, I just wanted a change of scenery.

When we got to the mall everyone was laughing, and happy, all the teenagers were there for friday night date night..and there I was. I felt isolated, alone, nervous, and unhappy. 

I felt a bit of panic coming over me, but I told myself that I was "safe", I wasn't going crazy, I was in control, all that good stuff.

After about 20 minutes of walking around (and realizing how out of touch with the world I am, considering all the new fashions, games, electronics etc) I decided I had had enough. We came home and I snuggled into my favorite spot on the sofa and watched TV.

Today is a better day for me. I'm going to see my mom, always an uplifting experience. I'm also going to make sure I take all my new meds that my holistic MD gave me (vitamins B & D, GABA, adrenal support capsules, fish oil capsules) and try to keep a positive attitude. I can't go back to work but I'm going to see if a friend of mine can use a pair of hands for a couple hours a day. I won't get paid but at least I will have a purpose in life, and I won't be faced with the same old boring thing every day.

I truly hope this 2nd epidural works, because the next step is surgery. I would gladly take the surgery if I knew it would be the end of my back issues and PAIN once and for all.

I'm a little disappointed in this post, as I take my writing very seriously and want to make every post witty and readable. This just had to be said, however, and you can't sugarcoat pain and depression.

Hopefully my writer's block will lift and I will be my wonderful self again soon.

A Tale Of Woe, otherwise known as Hoisted On My Own Petard

I went back down to Atlantic City earlier this week, on Monday night, to attend a veterinary conference that I go to every year. I stayed at a different hotel, one right across the street from the Convention Hall. 

I was planning to stay there until Thursday evening, and had 3 days of lectures all planned out. 

Since I was staying for 3 days, I made sure I packed everything in my house that wasn't nailed down or in the washing machine. In ONE BAG. 

As I pulled up to the hotel I realized that $17.00 for valet parking was beyond my budget, so I followed the signs for "self park"....past the hotel, underneath the convention center, about a 1/4 mile away. After I had taken my ticket and found a spot, I came to the understanding that I would have to bring my own luggage with me to check in. This is where all the problems started. I have a bad back (bad is an understatement. I have herniated discs, gone thru epidurals and want to get surgery.) and really shouldn't be carrying a bag that weighs as much as me through a parking lot. I shouldn't even be lifting it out of my car. 

I was not using my brain at the time, however, so I carried it. (My bag, not my brain.) When I arrived at the front desk, out of breath and cursing my overpacking ability, I told them I would need a bellboy to take it upstairs for me. 

Things were fine so far. I checked in, unpacked, walked to McDonald's for a nutritious dinner, and went to sleep.

The next morning when I woke up, I showered and went to the first lecture. Somewhere between leaving my room and sitting down in the chair, my back went out. I experienced such major pain in my back, up & down my leg, and in my foot that I saw stars. There was no way I could sit through a lecture. 

Did I mention before that I packed everything except the kitchen sink? Well, I did. Except along with the sink that I left home, my PAIN PILLS were home too. I had to have my poor husband drive down to A.C. with the bottle. 

Unfortunately the damage was done..nothing would help me. I woke up Wednesday morning and checked out. This time I was smart. I had them wheel me downstairs in the hotel wheelchair and asked the bell captain to please get my car for me. I was unable to walk even a few steps, that's how much pain I was in. 

They were all very nice at the hotel, that's for sure. The bell captain even brought me a juice to drink as I waited for my car.

The most painful part of all this, besides my newly re-inflamed discs...is that I packed all these clothes to wear and I never got to wear them! I effectively ruined my own vacation, wasted my own money, and caused my pain to flare up again. 

This makes me want to never pack a bag for a trip again. 

Now I'm popping Percocets like M&M's, waiting until Monday and my next epidural. 

I hope I can deal with the pain until then.

Nostalgia

I don't know if it's a result of me getting older or what, but I've been feeling quite nostalgic lately. I find myself reminiscing about when I was younger and remembering what a wonderful time I had. The funny part is, I don't have the greatest long term memory, so I often hear stories from people who knew me back in the day, and the stories they tell me are like brand new. I can't believe I'm unable to remember all that!

The feeling I have is sort of tempered with a little pain, because those days are gone and never ever coming back. How are we supposed to bring back days before cell phones, CD's and multi tasking? 

Remember when we rode our bikes and didn't wear helmets? Or you called your friend and if no one was home, the phone just rang? Remember shopping on Broadway (or Main Street) for khaki pants and wallabees? (those are shoes, usually brown, with gummy soles- for the uninitiated)

I used to go to the corner store, buy candy, maybe a Fresca, and go "call on" my friends. Ring the bell, ask if they want to come out, hang out until dark, go home. There were no playdates scheduled and monitored by mom (I totally hate playdates! Send your kid outside, he will hang out with kids who live on the block with him, end of story).I remember walking to school...no bus for me. AND I walked alone!! There was no mass hysteria about kids having a moment alone for killers or child molesters to snatch them up.

Remember gym class? We would actually RUN and PLAY outside! All year round there were different sports to learn and be involved in. Funny, but I really can't recall too many FAT kids in my class..that was because everyone had to exercise daily. 

I started watching that new show "Life On Mars" the other day, where the cop goes back to 1973...the best part is seeing all the retro stuff pop up. I can't say I'm following the plot too closely, as I'm distracted looking for the atmosphere. 

The 70's and 80's were a wonderful, crazy, unique time. If anyone has special memories please feel free to note them in your comments..I would love it!

A Mountain of Laundry

I returned today from a 2 day trip to Atlantic City. We got the rooms comped, so there was no reason not to get away for a few days. Besides, I always like to pretend that I'm filthy rich when I go there..it's not hard..everyone is always so nice and you get pampered in all sorts of ways. I did treat myself to a massage at the Red Door Spa, but other than that; and the buffet, always a gastronomic orgy, there was not a lot of pampering on this trip. When I returned home and started to unpack, there was such a mountain of dirty clothes that I wondered how many people actually went on this trip. There were only 3 small bags packed but it seemed like the dirty clothes went on forever. I spent the whole day doing laundry and putting all the other stuff away. 

You know it's always great to go on a trip but when you get back home and have to spend an entire day unpacking, washing and putting stuff away (the hairspray! the magazines! combs, brushes, socks that were never worn!) it makes you want another vacation to escape the dreary chores that await you. 

But of course, that would set off another round of dirty laundry and unpacking.

The best part? I get to do it again next week. I have a convention to go to in...that's right, you guessed it...ATLANTIC CITY.

I will be going for 4 days, so there will be plenty o' mess to clean up when I get home. Sigh.

Nothing like a vacation to relax you.