Cogito Ergo Sum

Some Year End Thoughts

2010-12-25T13:06:00.000-05:00

December is usually a time for reflection; on the previous 11 months, on what you have accomplished, and perhaps what you intend to accomplish next year. Here's my thoughts:

I am immensely thankful that I accomplished my goal of becoming a credentialed vet tech. All the studying and hard work and worrying I did all year truly paid off. Of course, I couldn't have done it without the help and support of my husband Anthony, my best friend Hilton, and my mentor, Dr Marsha Smith. She was my rock and my cheerleader throughout. I conquered my fear of math from her lessons. I learned many procedures by working side by side with her at work. She gave me the confidence to realize that I was "educatable", and she continues to help me and be proud of my achievement.

The economy was in turmoil this year, and I'm well aware of the monetary thread we are hanging by. Each month goes by and we scrape together the mortgage payment and do without many things, both necessity and luxury, just so we can keep our house. I'm very grateful that we are both working and can (sort of) pay our bills.

I am looking forward to finally finishing up my Vet Tech course at Penn Foster College. It was not an easy journey at times, but when I look back at the direction my life has taken, all because of a small ad in the back of an equine medical journal, my head spins. I've never been so happy and fulfilled in my life.

And finally, I'm also looking forward to new journeys. I'm considering enrolling at Wilkes University to obtain my MA in Creative Writing. Apparently I've decided that learning is truly a life long thing and I'm going to keep on going until I die.

Life is never easy, but your choices can make it more pleasurable. What type of year end thoughts do YOU have?

Help Rehabilitate Injured Greyhounds!!

2010-12-04T13:41:00.000-05:00

I Have Become An Examiner!

2010-12-02T22:33:00.001-05:00

In between studying for the VTNE and working, I have embarked on a new project. I was really trying to do research on what college I should go to, to obtain my MFA in Creative Writing. As I Googled and typed busily, I was directed to a site called Examiner.com. They offer little blurbs, or "articles" written by regular people, about subjects that they are familiar with. I found someone to chat with me about Wilkes University, which is the school I've chosen to attend. I also became interested in becoming an Examiner, which is a person who has their own page and writes about a subject near and dear to them.
My application was accepted, and I'm now the Atlantic City Greyhound Examiner.

Sounds cool, like I'm peering closely at each canine, looking for something tiny. Anyway, my page can be found here .

Feel free to subscribe or check back often. I plan to put up articles on greyhounds at least once or twice a week, a lot more regularly than this poor blog. As I move forward with my MFA process I'll be blogging about that too.
Feel free to offer feedback on my Greyhound page, I welcome all comments.

Overcoming Self Doubt

2010-11-27T17:37:00.000-05:00

I'm not a person that usually doubts myself. I'm very opinionated and sure of my beliefs. But for the last few days I'm having a crisis of faith.
I'm convinced I'm going to fail my VTNE exam.

I've been studying and reading and thinking about stuff at work for months. I've gone into Defcon 5 mode now, since the test is less than 14 days away. I've even started to review the math questions that I forgot how to do, and feel a lot more confident in my calculating ability.
Yesterday I took a practice test, straight from the Technician Review book that is one of the texts I'm studying. As I answered the questions I felt confident. I felt that things were finally coming together. I could even do the math.
My grade was 70%. When I first started taking the practice exams my grades were in the 60's. How can I feel so confident and yet not get more than 70% correct?
So last night I gave up. I went to my bookshelf and grabbed a fiction hardcover that has been waiting for me to read it, and I immersed myself in it. I sulked and posted a pity status update on FaceBook. I told myself it didn't matter if I passed.
What is wrong with me?
I woke up today with the attitude that I only have a few days left, maybe I should just go ahead and keep reading/studying. Who knows what the test will be like? I have to make the best of things, since I devoted so much of my time and energy to it. I know it's not the end of the world if I don't pass, and my friends keep telling me I can take it over (but I'm not sure if I can, due to new regulations) , but I know in my heart I have to give it my best shot.
I will read over the chapters on diagnostic imaging tonight, and do math problems every day until Dec 8th.
I may or may not take another practice exam. I WILL try to put all negative thoughts out of my head and rely upon my intelligence and natural self confidence.

I just wish it were all over already.

A Fly in the Ointment....Not Exactly

2010-11-19T20:08:00.000-05:00

I've recently begun to adopt the habit of taking crushed ice in a cup with me to work. I used to nibble on the ice in the car on the commute in, but now I've decided that I might as well eat the rest of it at my job.

I ate my ice this morning like I usually did. I would scoop up a spoonful of ice, slurp it up, and continue on with my typing or filling out paperwork or whatever. About halfway through the cupful, as I brought the spoon to my mouth I looked down at it, for some reason.

There was a bug on my spoon. I called another tech over and we both peered at it. "It's a FLEA!" she announced.
"I think it's just some kind of BUG!" I said.
"No, that's a flea for sure," she told me. "Want to go check it out under the microscope?"
Of course I did.

The little spot on my spoon (that was on its way to my mouth to be EATEN) was indeed a flea. He was cold, as he was nestled among my crushed ice. We marveled at his tiny eyes, his little flea legs, and the fine hairs along his body.

I wanted to gag. I almost ate a flea.

As we continued to alternately peek and shriek at this little creature, he suddenly moved. We both jumped back, for the magnification of the image caused the movement to scare us. Turns out he was all thawed out from the microscope light beaming up at him, and he did what all fleas do: Jump.

He was gone.

"I knew I should've put him in oil," I said. (Oil is used to prevent mites from walking off the slide before you can find them in all the debris.)

I still don't know where the flea came from, exactly, since my cup was not around any pets. But one thing is for sure: I will always look at my spoonful of ice before I eat it.

Poetry, For A Change

2010-10-09T13:40:00.000-04:00

A Day-Glo druid mows the lawn
I pass him by in slow motion and think
what it would be like to spend my day amongst
the grass clippings and diesel fumes
always circling
circling around every tree and curb
But then are we not circling ourselves
throughout our day
avoiding obstacles in our path
Some just go straight through them

Math Is Hard

2010-09-29T14:05:00.000-04:00

My next study subject for the VTNE is medical calculations. Math has never been my strong point, so I'm looking forward to this subject with trepidation. I brought my textbook and question book to work last night , thinking I would be able to work on problems here & there. First, I circled problems I knew I needed more help with. Then I took the first one and tried to figure it out. Marsha saw me working on it and asked if I needed help. Does the sun come up in the morning? Of course it does.
The question was:

How many milliliters of a 50% dextrose solution are needed to make 1000 mL of a 5% dextrose solution?

Marsha looked at the question and came up with the answer in about 1 second. "It's 100 mL", she said.
Ok, but how did you arrive at that conclusion?
She started by telling me that percent is the total grams in 100 mL. Apparently once I knew that, it all fell into place.
The next step was to make an equation.
10g X
------ = -----
100 mL 1000 mL

She showed me how to cross multiply and then divide. I still didn't get it, because she was talking about decliliters and converting grams to milligrams and then she threw in a .10 to really throw me off.

She had to go into the exam room to talk to a client, so I took my book and wandered away in search of more help. I ended up in the CCU, where three techs just told me to "memorize this chart, in real life you will never have to know any other amounts other that a 5% or 2.5% solution".
That was fine too, but I have to learn the calculation for the test...because you have to answer questions on a TEST, and they are sure to give you strange numbers not used in real life.

So I went back into central treatment, where 3 other techs were working on a patient. One tech in particular tried her best. I then realized it was like a foreign language to me..you can repeat the sentence all you want, but if I don't understand the individual words it will never make sense.
At one point I had about 5 techs all shooting numbers and percents and decimals at me, and it was all I could do to hold back the tears of frustration. I felt so stupid. It was all so easy for them and I just couldn't get it.
As I tuned out their helpful chatter, I made a decision to go back and review the basics...converting decimals to fractions, the metric system, and basic tenets of ratio and proportion. I hugged my book to my chest, said a general "thank you for your help" and started to walk away. As I got through the door, one tech rushed out after me. She said she was getting off work in 15 minutes and would be glad to sit with me and help me learn. I was very touched by her offer, but at the same time I was still fighting back tears that were threatening to break through in seconds, and I did NOT want to cry in front of her. (The whole showing weakness thing, you know.)
I told her exactly what my plan was: learn the basics, then I would know the "language" that they were all speaking. I told her if I needed any more help I would definitely ask her. I smiled at her through glassy tear filled eyes (could she see my imminent breakdown? I had to get out of there NOW, I was gonna lose it!) and beat a hasty retreat. Once I was alone in the hallway I allowed the tears to come.
Unfortunately, as I got back to my work area there was another tech in the hallway. She asked me what was wrong, and I just covered my face and said "Nothing" in a voice that wouldn't have fooled anyone.

She told me not to stress over the math. She told me that I was a good writer and she had trouble with getting her tenses correct in a sentence (I did laugh at that a little, which was her intent). She also told me that I wasn't stupid, I just needed to take my time and learn as much as I could, and that the test had 8 other areas of concentration that I would excel on.

As I tried to dry my tears, my vet came out of the room. I told her I was stupid and would never learn this math at all. True to form, she sat down, got a fresh piece of paper, and went over the steps again slowly. After 10 minutes, I actually solved the problem! She showed me a way to think the problem through and understand what I was doing, which is just as important as memorizing a formula. This math is actually used in hospitals on patients, so I had to understand the big picture as well as calculate numbers.
We did 2 problems together and I felt a tiny bit of elation. Maybe I wasn't so stupid after all. Well, maybe I am, but if I can do a FEW math problems on my exam that is better than not doing ANY.

I took home the little scraps of paper with her calculations on them and resolved to show her on Thursday that I learned something.
Now as I finish this post, I'm going to open up my two math books and start over. I will try not to let these lousy numbers get the best of me.

It's an uphill battle. And I'm not looking forward to it.

Things That Bug Me

2010-09-25T11:43:00.000-04:00

Not that I woke up cranky this morning, but I've been thinking about some things that seem ridiculous to me.....and lately there have been a lot. In no general order, here is a list (I love lists. Maybe I should change the format of this blog).

The dumbing down of America..such as the misspelled words on the news channel, the egregious grammar on TV, and the instructions on food that tells you to be careful, it's HOT.

Cameras on traffic lights. Too Big Brother for me. (I did a previous post on this a while ago.)

The rush to get kids into school, learning 3 languages by 2 years old, doing calculations by kindergarten, and the playing of classical music while still in the womb. Just stop. Let them be kids, they will have to learn stuff in school soon enough.

Playdates. Whatever happened to leaving the house on your bike and riding to your friend's house, then taking a walk to someone else's house? Now playtime has to be penciled in and organized.

The flap over Katy Perry's dress on the Sesame Street video. No one cares about her boobs. The whole American prudishness bugs me too. Not that we should be naked every minute, but the fact that it's deemed "wrong" just heightens the salaciousness of a little exposed skin. It's natural, people...get over it.

Why are so many Americans out of work, yet when I go to ShopRite or Dunkin Donuts, I can't find anyone who speaks English?

Stink bugs. Where did they come from, and why are they always hanging around my house?

This is a partial list. I'm sure I will be adding to it in the future....but I'm getting annoyed just typing this post so I will end it here. I'm in a decent mood and don't feel like spoiling it.

Enjoy your day!

Simple Things

2010-09-22T21:55:00.000-04:00

I have figured out that it is the simple things that make me the happiest.
Sitting on the deck with the sunshine and a good book. Snuggling up to the schnauzers before dropping off to sleep. Going out to eat with friends. Getting personal satisfaction from my job. The moment when I realize that some of my vet tech knowledge is helping me in my job. Relaxing on the couch with a magazine.
I could go on and on, but the big picture here is that I am comfortable with myself and my life. I am rejecting the commotion and embracing who I am.

Life is good.

9/11

2010-09-11T14:18:00.000-04:00

Today is a day that will resonate for many of us, as we reflect on where we were when we heard the news. It is our generation's "Lunar Landing" or "JFK shooting", as we can pinpoint exactly what we were doing when our world changed. I look back at the nine years that have passed since that fateful day, and feel lucky that I did not lose a loved one that day. I feel amazed as I recall the things that have happened to me, my hurt back, my depression, my choice to start a new career, the loss of my Dad and my Greyhounds, financial problems, getting older....but also feeling better about myself and my life, a marriage that is still going, a peaceful home to live in and a deck where I can spend time writing, the new goals that I have set for myself, and of course my new Schnauzers.
Life has certainly changed both for the good and the bad since then. The Twin Towers will always have a place in my memory, for the World Trade Center was a place I visited, was the site of a first date, made deliveries to, and photographed many times during countless trips into the city during high school and college. I even flew past them during one of my flying lessons out of Teterboro Airport! Try doing THAT today....not happening.
So today I reflect on life....the way it once was, the way it is now, and the loss of innocence, both within myself and throughout the world.
It is an uneasy feeling....but it is what shapes us today.

Never Forget.

The 15% Dilemma

2010-09-04T13:08:00.002-04:00

The other day a discussion came up somehow about eating in restaurants and leaving a tip. I'm a notoriously bad tipper, as my usual M.O. is to leave 4 dollars and be done with it. My dining companion will always make up the difference.

My question today is: why does there have to be a difference? If I order a burger and fries, my meal might be around 10 dollars. If I order lobster or filet mignon, the price of the meal goes up to about 30 or more. However, and here is where my argument lies: the waitress only comes over the same amount of times. One, to greet and take drink orders. Two, to bring back said beverage and take food order. Three, to bring meal. Four, (if you are lucky) to ask if things are "all right". and finally, Five, to check on dessert and then bring the check. Why should I pay more just because I'm having an expensive meal?

Don't get me wrong. If I'm eating at a five star restaurant or if I'm dressed specially for dinner, that means I'm at a swanky place. I'm talking about a regular place like a diner, or Friday's, or a casual place like that. Why should my tip be more because I'm having salmon instead of grilled cheese?

I was told that "If you order more expensive food you tend to stay at the table longer to eat and they cannot turn around the table as fast to gain more tips, so you are paying for time."

That sounds good, except I can recall eating on the cheap and hanging about to chat and relax just as long as when there was a steak in front of me.

Look, I didn't invent the pay scale for waiters. I understand that they are there to make a living just like all of us. I do think, however, that most people are decent tippers and that those of us who cannot tip to the extreme need to make ends meet. That thought may lead us to the statement that if you cannot afford to leave a good tip, you cannot afford to eat out.

To which I say: and there are plenty other jobs out there that pay by the hour, if you have to find a job that has tipping as part of your pay, perhaps you need to check your skill level and work towards another career.

I can feel the hate right now.

Listen, I used to drive a cab and work for tips a long time ago. My dispatcher was resentful of the fact that I was a girl, and thus sent me on jobs where I would come to no harm, like picking up all the senior citizens and taking them to doctor's offices. Sometimes I would get a dime as a tip. I didn't make a lot of cash driving that cab, so I took a second job. Eventually I embarked on another career, one that paid by the hour.

I didn't resent the elderly, I knew they were on a fixed income and needed every penny.

I may not be on that same fixed income, but I need every penny as well. I can go to Five Guys and get a great burger and not have to tip, or I can go to the good old diner and get the same meal and have to budget for money left on the table.

I just don't agree with the system.

A Moment Of Greytness

2010-08-13T20:07:00.004-04:00

I see many kinds of dogs at my vet hospital, but some breeds are under-represented. I think we don't see enough Mini Schnauzers, or Greyhounds. The sight of an ex-racer sends my heart soaring!

Today was a good day, as we were lucky enough to have a Greyhound come in for vaccines. As I clipped his nails a few techs saw me hugging him and wondered aloud what is it about retired racers that grabs my heart. One tech even said they seemed "bland".

Well, yeah...anyone who owns a Grey knows the Look Of Fear that they all adopt once inside the vet hospital. Their eye bug out, they start to pant, they freeze and pretend they are invisible.

I dealt with that every time I took my girls to the vet. And I see it daily whenever I'm lucky enough to help examine a needle nose.

But that should not be what Greyhounds are judged on. I tried to explain to the techs around me how gentle they are, how silly they are (especially when squeakies are involved), and how wonderfully FAST they are. I told them stories about horrors at the track. I explained how they get socialized upon their retirement. I even said I had never met a mean one (unlike some other breeds that will not be mentioned).

I could tell that I didn't sway many opinions with my talk. As I led my sweet patient back to his mom, I petted him softly and pretended for just a moment that he was mine. I let my memories drift back to the days when my two girls brightened my day with their soft coats and cold noses. It has been one year since my special girl GiGi crossed over the Rainbow Bridge, and I miss her every day.

Readers with Greyhounds: give your dogs extra love and hugs today, for I cannot do that to mine any more.

What To Do When You're Not Doing It

2010-08-10T18:01:00.002-04:00

Yesterday my boss told me that I will have to start coming to work on Tuesday at 11am again. That means no more having the whole day to myself until 4pm. This does not bode well for my studying, my writing, or my sleeping late.

Today I happen to have the day off, and after a fun filled day of shopping, flea markets, farmer's markets and bookstores, I am home by myself.

I should be doing my Business and Technical Writing homework. Failing that, I should be writing my novel.

I'm not doing either of those things. Instead, I'm writing this blog. Aren't I making good use of my time?

I guess not.

Here is a list of things that I end up doing when I know I have to work on my homework:

1. Check out FaceBook.

2. Check out Twitter.

3. Pet the dogs.

4. Fold laundry.

5. Chew on ice cubes and think.

6. Look at my "Writing Effective Communications" study guide and wish that I was never born.

7. Gaze longingly at the 4 books I just bought today and wish I could be reading them right now.

8. Go back to FaceBook to see if anything new showed up in my news feed.

9. Give the dogs a chewy stick and watch them eat it.

10. Call my best friend and tell him how busy I am and how I'm working hard on my writing.

As you can see right now, I'm actually very busy. Perhaps I will end this post while I'm on a roll, because I have so much to do.

As soon as I check my FaceBook just one more time......

Dumb Fish, Smart Pond

2010-08-09T20:35:00.002-04:00

I was talking to Marsha today about her parents, and asked her if she felt proud that they were so smart. They were chemists. She said that their smartness did not help them at the end of their life, when they died in pain and wracked with Alzheimer's.

That took me back, because I just expected a simple yes or no answer. Marsha is always very philosophical.

That being said, I told her I wished I was smarter. I told her that in high school, I was a big fish in a little pond, I had many friends, got good grades, and felt a lot of self worth. Then I got into college and didn't pay all that much attention to my studies. I was too busy enjoying my freedom and my "grownup-ness", after all, in college no one is telling you what to do!

Back in my day, the guidance counselors gave you few options: go to college; become a nurse; work in an office; or be a mom. I went to college, but I didn't really know what I wanted to do with my life. I worked a lot of "jobs", not careers. I eventually wound up working in an office, something I swore I would NEVER do. I kept an office job for about 15 years.

Recently, my life path has lead me to work as a vet tech. I find myself being the dumb one surrounded by smart people.

Marsha told me that just because you are a vet doesn't mean you are smart, it just means you are educatable. (See, more philosophy.)

I told her that I felt that so many people at my hospital were smarter than me and it was unnerving. I feel that my intelligence has diminished since I got out of high school, and there are times when I hear the vets talking that I feel like an utter moron.

I have to remind myself that they went to vet school, so they better know what they are talking about! I still wish I had done something better with my life 20 years ago, though. I would have loved to be surrounded by smartness when I was still young enough to really make the most of it.

I will have to be content with the knowledge that I have a rewarding career now, and not to regret anything that I have done (or not done) in my past. I just wish I hadn't let all my brains dribble away, because I really need to use them now.

Discipline is Needed

2010-08-07T12:38:00.002-04:00

I have been reading more books on how to get published, and I have learned a few things.

1. You must write every day, no matter what you are going to do with it.

2. You must read a lot as well, good stuff and bad, because it all soaks into your head and helps you become a better writer.

3. You must develop a thick skin, because there is a lot of rejection out there. A story like "Harry Potter" comes along once in a million years.

4. Grammar, spelling and style are legion. You must either know how to spell or use a good spellcheck program. (This does not worry me, I'm a great speller.)

5. Finally, discipline and perseverance must be your strengths. Keep at it and don't give up, if you do, then you are not a writer, only a dabbler.

I still have a long way to go...I think the hardest part is writing every day. When I was younger I would write a few lines (or more) in my diary every night before bed. I wish I had that enthusiasm now, because it just seems that my daily life is not that interesting to write it all down.

However, the more I think about it, I was not writing it down because it was interesting..I was documenting everything that happened because I wanted to REMEMBER it. Sure, there was a lot more drama in my life back then, but now I can draw upon my life's experience and knowledge to create, not just document.

I will keep working at it.

Doing It For Myself

2010-07-31T14:25:00.003-04:00

Today was haircut day for me. I have been getting my hair cut short for a while now, much to the dismay of my husband. However, I keep telling him that I'm doing things for ME now, as opposed to when I was younger and trying to follow the crowd, or give in to peer pressure, or wear things because I thought I was "supposed to".

I'm middle aged (ugh!) and have come to realize that I do not have teenage hormones raging inside me, affecting every decision I make. I am comfortable in who I am, and my life experience makes me realize that I no longer have to please people with my appearance. Not that short hair makes me ugly...I just have more confidence inside to wear this style. It's easy to take care of and doesn't get in the way when I'm working.

Perhaps "confidence" is not the proper word to describe how I feel. At this point of my life I just don't care about what people are going to say or think about me. I have a great career, I'm well-read, am happy being me, and do not concern myself with other's opinions. I don't have time for the drama.

Right now I'm waiting for my husband to come home, and I'm sure the first words out of his mouth will be "I remember when your hair was long, you used to be hot."

Hey! I'm still hot. I'm a smart confident woman with a life plan. What could be hotter than that?

Nothing To See Here Folks, Move Along

2010-07-28T10:51:00.002-04:00

I either must have a really boring life or a really lousy imagination. I see blogs updated daily and admire those writers. I suppose I can toss up a few lines here and there if I were to do it on a daily basis, but I don't think that is me. I've been doing the same school/work cycle that has consumed me for the past few years...and I've been seriously considering writing a book. I've started doing research on how to get a book published, and so far I've discovered that it is nigh impossible, unless you self publish.

I don't want to self publish. That says to me anyone with a dollar and a manuscript can see their work in print. I want an editor to justify my writing. I want to be told that my ideas are worth getting out there. I want my talent to be confirmed.

Yeah, me and about a million other writers out there.

So this explains why there is nothing going on here. I keep thinking about writing instead of actually DOING it. Of course, anything I post online usually will not be used in a book, something to do with "first rights" and "second rights" or something like that. So, the things I'm actually thinking about writing about cannot be posted here.

Guess you will have to wait for the book.

An Example of Compassion

2010-06-02T19:03:00.003-04:00

This little anecdote will explain why the vet I work with is a wonderful role model. The other day we were in central treatment working on a dog. There was an anesthesia box on the other table with a critter in it. Upon closer inspection we found that it was a possum with bite wounds. He was in the process of being anesthetized/euthanized. He was still awake, however, and was able to look around at all the activity in our hospital. My vet shook her head and said to me, "They are such shy creatures, he must be so scared watching all this stuff going on around him!" She took a minute to find a towel to drape over the box to block the possum's view, so that in the last moments of his conscious, pain filled existence, he would not have to be scared too.

Possums are nocturnal creatures that favor dark, secure areas. My vet understood this and had empathy for this wild creature, enough so that she took time out of her busy day to make his world feel safe.

That touched me, but did not surprise me. She continues to show me examples of kindness towards animals and depth of caring that I can only hope to approximate in my lifetime.

Thanks, Marsha.

It's OK To Let Go

2010-04-21T14:18:00.002-04:00

As I was walking thru the parking lot at work the other day, getting ready to go inside, I heard my name being called. It was one of our long term clients, pulling in for an early appointment. I went over to her car to say hello and was met with two sad faces and a slowly wagging tail.

My heart sank, for I immediately knew what was to come.

Our patient, who was diagnosed with congestive heart failure about a year ago, was not doing well at all. We had been keeping a close eye on him over the last few weeks, as he needed more Lasix than normal and was having a lot of coughing fits. As I petted him and gazed into his sweet Maltese eyes, I heard the owners ask me if I thought it was his time.

We talked about quality of life, the quality of Teddy's life, and life in general. From what they told me I did believe he was suffering and not able to enjoy the things he once was.

I told them I would meet them inside, and hurried inside to punch in and tell the in - window that they were coming.

I escorted them into our Comfort Room. We talked some more, and shared stories of Teddy and his life with this man and woman that loved him so.

My vet came in, and we listened as they described his physical condition. Both their faces searched ours, for a sign that it was time to let him go. Teddy snuggled between them, comforted by their warmth and loving hands as they took turns petting him.

They decided to let him go, to give him peace.

The husband was having an especially hard time coming to terms with this, and even as he watched me walk away with Teddy to place his catheter, his face showed words that he could not say out loud.

The triage techs held Teddy as his catheter was placed, and I gave him some oxygen to make his labored breathing easier for him. I know it did him some good because his tongue color became more pink and he was not struggling.

Finally we brought him back to the Comfort Room and he eagerly went back to his mom's arms. He took up his spot between mom & dad as we began our task that is both caring and painful at the same time.

His dad was telling him how much he loved him and what a good boy he was. Mom was stroking his soft fur and holding back tears.

As my vet sedated him so he could pass peacefully, Teddy did something I've never seen before. As he was slowly relaxing, he seemed to focus for a second and then he lifted his head back up....turned to his dad....and gave him a few kisses, licking his face three times, then settling back down to relax again. His passing was very peaceful after that, as he was loved and petted in his final seconds.

I wiped my tears away, my vet reached over to get a tissue for her eyes, and as silence settled over the room I could not get Teddy's final action out of my head. His dad started to cry in earnest and I said to him, "He wanted to let you know it was OK to let him go, he kissed you to give you strength and love as a lasting memory of him."

I believe he was letting them know that he would be OK, waiting at the Rainbow Bridge until they all met again.

It was the most touching euthanasia I have ever witnessed, and Teddy's memory will stay with me forever.

Rest in Peace...you were loved every much.

A Cobweb Site

2010-02-25T11:06:00.002-05:00

That is what this blog is turning into...going from a web site to a cobweb site because I haven't written in almost a month. Either my life is very boring or very busy.

I will choose the latter, in between studying for my vet tech degree and learning more about Wicca I don't have much free time. Nor has the urge to write grabbed me.

I'm wrong there. I was pondering creating a new blog to document the exploits of my recently expanded Mini Schnauzer family, as I've adopted 2 more girls. That brings the number of terriers in my house to 3. I was only supposed to take one but couldn't choose between them, and my husband was pressuring me to keep them both.

I'm glad I did.

So I'm sure I could fill up a blog pretty regularly with photos and tales of their exploits. I'm going to let the idea simmer a bit and see if I can fit it into my busy day.

Drama at ShopRite

2010-01-27T12:33:00.002-05:00

My mom and I took our monthly food shopping trip the other day. It actually was about 2 months since we had been shopping, so I had the world's largest list. I had almost no food in my house and I also needed mundane things like mayonnaise, ketchup, soap, etc.

By the time we got to aisle 5 the cart was almost full. (We start at aisle 1 and go up & down every one.)

By the time we got to aisle 10 I told my mom to get another cart.

Bear in mind, it was Saturday, so the store was quite full. As we maneuvered our carts up and down the aisles, checking items off our list....it happened.

My mom accidentally "ran over" someone's ankles with her cart. She never learned to drive a car, so it's safe to say that she doesn't have a lot of experience driving much of anything. We've all been "run over" at the supermarket--someone behind us bangs our poor ankles with the little bumper thingy on the bottom of the cart. Usually the one hit turns around and gives a death glare to the one who hit you, and that is that.

This time was different. The man that my mom ran over turned around and yelled "For Christ's sakes, lady! That's the second time I got hit in this store today, watch where the hell you're going!"

I was all ready to tell the man to stop yelling at my poor old mom.....when I realized...and my mom did too......that the man she ran over was none other than Chuck "The Bayonne Bleeder" Wepner.

Needless to say, we kept our mouths shut. It truly was an accident, and she was all ready to apologize, but when he started yelling it took us by surprise, and he walked away before she could get the apology out.

The rest of our shopping trip passed without incident. 20 grocery bags were loaded into my car and we were off.

It's always a fun day with mom!

Writing Pluses and Minuses

2010-01-20T14:27:00.002-05:00

This month will be over before we know it! I'm pretty disappointed in the fact that there are only 2 posts for January. I suppose it's a combination of not thinking I have interesting things to blog about, combined with the fact that my free time is spent studying.

A few weeks ago I had considered the idea of writing a book...and I see that if I ever did go through with it I would have to be done with school. How anyone writes and works full time is beyond me. Of course, there is a lot more research I would have to do before I even attempted to pull this off. I'm not sure if I'm supposed to actually write the book before getting an agent or publisher, or get them first and then be under the gun to produce.

Knowing me, I'd rather have the thing written to avoid stress.

That being said, I will have to work on blogging more. I'm sure interesting things happen at work all the time but I see it all day long so I don't consider it blog-worthy.

I'm studying 2 subjects right now, one class should be done in a few months and then I will have a whole new area to blog about. I don't want to say anything about it now, but I'm very excited to be learning new things. I feel much more complete inside.

Big Brother Is Watching

2010-01-03T20:35:00.002-05:00

One of my favorite novels is "1984" by George Orwell. I remember reading it many times and being thankful that I did not live in such a dystopia. I felt sorry for the main characters and wondered what life would be like having someone watching my every move.

This world is rapidly approaching that concept.

I found out from my husband that there are red light cameras stationed on many of the traffic signals along my route to work. I never noticed them, but this morning I made sure to check as I commuted.

There they were! I was dismayed to see them, for that means I have to be extra careful as I travel along to work. I cannot scoot through a yellow light like I have done in the past. I know it's all done for safety, but I can't help thinking that this is only the beginning. There are cameras in elevators, cameras in the stairwells at my job, cameras at ATM's and fast food restaurants, and major cities like New York and Philadelphia have them on a lot of street corners to observe and record activities 24 hours a day.

We are told they are there to "keep us safe". When will the authorities take the next step and start making these cameras more intrusive? We are already told we cannot talk on the phones in our car, we must wear our seat belts as we drive, bike helmets are required...I could go on and on. Are we so fragile and incompetent that we need laws for everything? How did the general public function before all these laws were in place?

When did privacy become a premium?

I realize that these camera were put up originally at high accident intersections to either keep everyone honest, or, failing that, be able to determine the perpetrator of an accident that was caused by careless driving. But what is the reason for cameras on every corner? I can only think it's becoming an easy way for a town to make easy money by snaring the unsuspecting occasional yellow light scofflaw. It is too easy to make the jump from 1 camera in town to multiple sites, then to more intrusive ways to spy on the public.

I prefer to live my life in relative anonymity. I certainly do not want to end up like Winston Smith, the hero of 1984.

What are your thoughts on this?

Rainy Days Are The Best

2009-12-26T13:56:00.003-05:00

You would think that with an interesting job like mine I would be blogging every day. I suppose I probably could come up with a short story about an interesting patient or weird client on a daily basis, but I prefer quality over quantity.

Plus I don't have a lot of free time. I do get ideas of what I want to write about and then when I get to the computer it's all out of my head, or I second guess myself and feel that it's not that interesting.

As I sit here today and wonder what to write about (I felt guilty that I've only posted once this month so I'm forcing myself) it's pouring rain outside. All the snow that fell earlier is melted and the entire world is wetter than you could possibly imagine.

I love rainy, windy days. When I wake up and the sky is gray and rain is in the forecast I can feel my spirit lift. The sound of rain on the roof is very soothing to me, and I can drift off to sleep easily.

I found this picture the other day and added it to another one of my websites. This describes me perfectly! Wind & rain outside, I'm warm and dry inside, reading and having a cup of tea.

I used to work outdoors and even then I just bundled myself up and got rained on. It is, after all, only water.

I enjoy water in all forms. One of my favorite summer activities is to float around the "lazy river" at my local water park. I always say--if I was rich I would create my own lazy river in my backyard.

Swimming pools and hot tubs beckon me as well. I can remember swimming in my own pool when I was very young. I would spend countless hours splashing and floating in the water, completely at peace.

Come to think of it, that is how I feel now, with the rain pelting down around me.

I don't get depressed and wish for sunshine, as I know that will come after the rain is done. I enjoy all types of weather, but most of all, I'm thankful for life giving rain.

A Little Girl Lost Her Companion

2009-12-10T18:48:00.002-05:00

A young girl lost her companion today, a dog named Jake.

Amid all the hustle and bustle of the season, the mad dash for presents, the brightly colored lights, and the cold air swirling around us all...time stopped for a moment.

It stopped for a dog named Jake, who was possibly 12, or 13 years old. His age is immaterial, because no matter the number the story still ends the same way.

Time stopped for this little girl, who accompanied her old friend to the clinic to wish him goodbye. She was blind to the gaily colored lights and Christmas decorations...because her eyes were full of tears and her heart was breaking.

As they wheeled her beloved pet in on a gurney, he was bundled up snugly against the cold, but he was still shivering. Perhaps he knew the journey that lay before him. He most certainly took comfort from the gentle hands stroking him as the gurney trundled along.

Time slowed down along with his heart and his breathing as my vet helped him depart this world, full of Christmas hopes and wishes, blinking lights and falling temperatures.

He passed surrounded by love, petted by the small hand of a little girl who will always remember this Christmas, not for what it has given, but what it has taken away.

A young girl lost her friend today.

Some Things Change, Some Things Stay The Same

2009-11-28T11:41:00.002-05:00

In my previous post I wrote that I was not satisfied with an essay I was writing for a school contest. I finally gave up and sent it in.

I won.

When I got the email notifying me that I was the winner, I danced all around my house with my laptop. I yelled so loud I hurt my throat. I felt so wonderful that my writing was prize-worthy.

At least one thing turned out right this month. Money is still very tight and so is my back, for that matter. I'm seeing a chiropractor and she tells me that it will be a slow but steady recovery.

I still have NOT gotten my car back either...the body shop keeps telling me "the middle of next week" every time I call. That was about a month ago. I'm really hoping to get my car back before Christmas at this rate.

Of course, the Christmas season is in full swing right now. Thanksgiving was barely over before I began to get inundated with commercials exhorting me to buy and buy.

And what is the deal with Black Friday? Some stores were open on Thanksgiving, others opened up at 3 or 4 AM...and people were lining up around the block waiting to get in.

I know the day after Thanksgiving is traditionally a shopping day, but it seemed like this year the shopping and sales trampled over our quest to give thanks.

That's a change I don't like.

There is one change I'm looking forward to: a trip to Atlantic City in the near future. I have not returned there since my back gave out last year. I'm looking forward to my comped room and a great massage from the spa. And let's not forget The Pool, which is one of my favorite places ever.

Perhaps a New Year will bring some better things my way. I can only wait and see.

Sometimes I Get Discouraged

2009-11-11T16:04:00.003-05:00

Usually my posts are happy and pleasant in nature....not so today. I'm feeling very discouraged and down today. I'm upset because I have money issues and my husband is unemployed. My paycheck is not enough to cover all our bills. He's been looking for work, but things are just not working out for him at this time.

I'm sad because I still don't have my car back from the shop where it has been since early September, when I got T-boned by a driver that "didn't see me". It sustained $15,000 worth of damage and since it's a 2010 parts are not readily available. So I've been making car payments on something that I'm not even using.

I'm frustrated because I'm trying to write an essay for a school contest and want to give my best effort, but I'm not happy with what I've written and the deadline is looming.

I'm irritated because my back is stiff and sore, even with the physical therapy, and I thought a few months ago I was on the road to recovery...until my accident.

Don't get me wrong, I still love my job and my life...I just have some issues that are weighing heavily on my mind now and I just wish the road ahead would be smoother.

I guess I just have to give things some time to work out.

Confidence

2009-10-16T20:13:00.002-04:00

It takes a lot of confidence to be a vet tech. You have to assure yourself you will hit the vein every time you need blood, be able to restrain that 100 lb Rottweiler so your vet stays safe, and convey a positive attitude to a stressed out client that their pet is in good hands.

Vet techs have to repeat this confidence hour after hour, patient after patient. We cannot be scared of claws and teeth, or worry about dehydrated pets' invisible veins, or doubt our calculations when drawing up medication. It is definitely not a job for a shrinking violet!

My vet likens my job to that of a cruise director...keeping clients happy while they are waiting (and waiting) for their appointment, juggling patients (ok, I'll draw that blood on this patient while you clip the nails for the cat in the other room) while remembering to return phone calls and keep the paperwork moving smoothly along.

I always thought of myself as pretty confident, but since I've become a tech I've stepped it up a notch. I have confidence in my ability to help my vet do the best job that we can do, day after day. I know I may not hit the vein every time, but nobody does that. I keep on going, knowing I'm an integral part of that well oiled machine that is my vet hospital.

And at the end of the day I'm confident that I helped pets and their owners feel better.

I love what I do.

Vet Tech Thoughts

2009-10-03T13:15:00.002-04:00

It's a strangely unsettling feeling to have clients shake your hand and thank you after euthanizing their beloved pet. Yet this is a regular occurrence at my job. My vet performs euthanasia fairly regularly, and it never gets easier. The one thought I hold in my mind is that we are giving the old or sick pet a final gift, to end their suffering.

Clients see how we care for their dog or cat, and how we give them a last dignified moment. That is where the "thank you" comes in.

Thinking back, I thanked my vet for caring for both of my Greyhounds when the end of their days came. I suppose the gratitude comes from knowing their suffering has finally ended, and they are at peace.

We had a very sick senior pet at the clinic yesterday. We discovered that he had some masses on his spleen, and one on his lung. The dog was clearly depressed, unable to eat, and was vomiting. The owner chose euthanasia rather than submit his dog to surgery, which I think was the correct choice.

We cared for him with dignity and love, as we always do. As I escorted the bereaved clients out of the hospital they stopped to shake my hand and thank me for all my help. I told them I was sorry for their loss.

I had a mix of emotions inside me: sorrow for the clients, relief that the pet's suffering was finally over, and anticipation of our next appointment..where I would get another chance to make a difference in an animal's life.

As it turned out, that appointment was an ailing cat that had not been eating. I had opened a small can of cat food earlier in the day, as a treat to a Siamese cat that had come in for a well visit.

I offered this sick kitty a small portion of food. A few minutes later she had cleaned the plate! The clients thanked me and I felt a warm glow as I gave the cat some more food and she continued to eat.

The simple things at my job give me pleasure; and hopefully I can continue to make pets' lives better by continuing those simple things...a meal for a kitty, caring words for bereaved clients, and above all, love and compassion for those who cannot ask for it.

Some Things I'm Thankful For

2009-09-30T16:27:00.002-04:00

There is a lot to be said about daily affirmations. They can cheer you up. help you keep a goal in sight, or just serve to remind you of what is good in your life. I'm thinking about some good stuff in my life right now:

I'm glad I work where I do, the hospital has a large and varied case load so I'm never bored.

I'm thankful for my vet and the close personal relationship I have with her..she is my intellectual companion as well as a mentor and friend.

I'm thankful that my Mom is in good health.

I'm happy to have a best friend that is always there for me, ready to dispense advice and words of wisdom.

I'm glad my hair is short, as I don't have to spend endless hours fussing over it before I leave the house.

I'm glad I have a mini Schnauzer girl who welcomes me home and snuggles up to me on chilly nights.

I'm happy to be married to the man that I have...he has nursed me through bad times and cheered me on through good times.

I'm grateful to myself for making a career change, because I'm the happiest I've ever been at work.

Finally, I'm glad to be me. I'm at the age where there is a definite generation gap going on, but I would not want to be young in this world. I'm content to be the age that I am, with the knowledge that I possess.

It's definitely the little things in life that makes you happy.

Another Compliment

2009-09-19T15:01:00.002-04:00

Anyone who knows me thinks of me as an "animal person" but not necessarily a "cat person". That being said, I believed that I was violently allergic to cats for many years and subsequently avoided them. Of course, working as a vet tech requires you to handle cats on a daily basis. After cautiously approaching my first hands on cat encounter a year ago, I found that I can handle the fur without incident. Of course, I'm still very respectful of felines, as they have claws, teeth, and a temperament that can change without warning.

While I was doing my externship I had an opportunity to handle 2 Bengal felines. They were gorgeous! I started seeing cats in a new light, and felt more comfortable handling them. When I went back to work at my vet hospital, I brought my new found courage with me. My vet is very understanding of my (sometimes) hesitation to restrain cats and she works in conjunction with me so the client's vet visit is seamless & trouble free.

The other day we had to examine 2 cats from a rescue society. One was feral and the clients expressed their concerns to us, and even suggested sedating this cat so we could draw blood and clip the nails without worrying if we would get bitten or clawed. I suggested to them that we try to handle the cat first, before choosing drugs, to see how "bad" the cat would be.

My vet grabbed a towel, and I turned the trap on end so the kitty would slide out onto our exam table. We rolled the cat up in the towel, so she could still breathe, but her head was covered and we were protected. I restrained the cat while we slowly took each paw and clipped her long claws. We soothed the cat as we worked by talking to her in a gentle voice. She laid there quietly. The clients marveled at how my vet & I worked as a team, without stressing the cat. We were able to pull blood from her and finally she was able to go back into a carrier.

No fur flew, and no felines were harmed in the making of this appointment. Our clients were amazed and thanked my vet profusely for handling her with care. They then turned to me and told me what a good tech I was and that I had a great technique for handling cats.

In my mind I shouted "No! I'm still scared!" even as I thanked the clients for their kind words.

Their words gave me confidence to take with me the next time I have to handle a feral cat. I know that working with my vet sets my mind at ease and we can overcome any problem together.

I always love my job, but I get an extra special feeling when I get to help an animal who might otherwise have had a bad experience at the vet, and it's always good when client notices how hard we work.

It was a good day.

Rojo Loco Restaurant

2009-09-11T19:52:00.002-04:00

The other day I went out with my BFF to a new restaurant. He had seen this place in a strip mall close to his bank and suggested we try it. The first thing that struck me when we walked in was the piles upon piles of FREE magazines offered to customers. The waitress told me that a local 7-11 or whatever has to throw them out if not sold past a certain date, and they take them and give them away. I walked out with Glamour, Redbook, Marie Claire, In Touch, a hairstyles magazine, a football preview magazine, and a few others. There were plenty more there, such as Sports Illustrated, Elle, Maxim, Star, etc. And the free mags weren't even the best part!

The menu had so much stuff on it I was not sure what to order. As luck would have it, the first items we ordered were not available, and the waitress ( who was really quite helpful & nice) advised us those items were going to be taken off the menu due to lack of interest. We were interested in those meals, but we were out of luck.

I then decided to order a chicken quesadilla and small salad. My friend ordered steak fajitas.

The salad dressing was a lime cilantro that was the best I've ever had!! And the plate of quesadillas that I received was easily twice the portion I've gotten at another restaurant. I literally could only eat half my meal (which was fine since I had the leftovers for lunch at work the next day). The fajitas were served with a delicious spicy rice that was not too "hot", spice-wise. That was perfect, since I don't like a lot of heat with my meals.

Since our original menu choices were not available the manager offered us dessert on the house.

No problem there!

We got a generous portion of chocolate lava cake, served warm with cool whip dollops here & there.

I ate ALL my dessert.

The waitress said she hoped we liked our first visit, and encouraged us to return even though we had some speed bumps when we first placed our order. I assured her that the food was great and I would be returning to sample other menu items.

When we received our bill we were flabbergasted. This giant meal cost us less than a smaller portioned meal at Moes (another favorite haunt of mine). It was a no brainer to make the choice to return to the Rojo-Loco Southwestern Grill. Their address is 4809 Route 9 North in Howell, NJ. They are located in the Lanes Mill Market Place, next to Barnes & Noble.

Try it, you won't be sorry!

My First Week Of Work

2009-09-05T10:47:00.002-04:00

It turns out all the fears I had about going back to work were mostly unfounded! I made it through an entire week without incident, found a new way to drive to the hospital, remembered how to use the computer software (mostly) and was welcomed back heartily by everyone. There was not a day that went by without someone coming up to me and saying how happy they were to have me back, or how happy my vet was to get me back! Last night as I was leaving I told my vet "I'm not sure if I can get out the door, my head's so big" and we laughed about that.

There is so much good stuff about me being back at my old hospital.

I got to place a U-cath for the first time, thanks to my vet being patient and walking me through it; I was shown how to restrain a seagull that was being examined (seagulls have exquisitely soft feathers on their little heads!); I drew blood from a fractious cat and that did wonders for my self confidence; I ausculted a heart murmur in a Maltese; and it's wonderful to be back in scrubs again!

It was like I never left. My vet and I were laughing and sharing stories from the very first hour we started working together, and I fell right back into the swing of loading patients, taking history, and the like. Of course there were some cute puppies and kittens to pet and love...you can't have a better job than mine!

My horoscopes this week have been quite relevant to my situation (I know they are random but they made a lot of sense this week).

From 9/3: Work gives you a sense of purpose. It's good to know people appreciate your efforts.

from 9/4: Fretting over finances has become something of an obsession. You will get on top of things.

I still have to get used to getting up early, and my body has to adjust to all the physical demands I'm putting on it. It's been a long time since I was sprawled out on the floor cutting nails and drawing blood.

All in all, things are going well right now, and I'm very happy. Everything happens for a reason, and now more than ever I see how that is true.

Going back to work was a great birthday present for me.

Last Weekend Of Summer

2009-08-27T12:36:00.002-04:00

When I was younger I used to love this time of year, because it meant that back to school was just around the corner. I loved starting a new year with empty notebooks and new pens and new goals.

I will have a new beginning next week once again. I will be returning to work after a year and a half hiatus. I'm a little worried that I won't be able to handle it, but I'm also looking forward to being with my vet. I won't have to learn a bunch of new things, since I'm going back to my last vet hospital, but I have to learn how to work again.

I am different mentally, physically and emotionally.

I have to get back into the habit of getting up early every day, no more "I don't feel good, I can stay in bed."

I will have to work thru anxiety (if I have any).

On the other hand, I will be surrounded by intelligent people, and I will be mentally stimulated all day long. I love what I do and can't imagine doing anything else.

3 days and counting.

Feeling A Bit Lonely

2009-08-22T19:41:00.002-04:00

My Mom has gone home after spending a few days here at my house, and I'm feeling melancholy. Usually my husband drives her home and I'm left to stay in an empty house, but this time I took her home. The loneliness hit me as I was driving back. I always get sad when she leaves, it's a kind of mini empty nest syndrome. I don't mind hanging out at home with just the dog, but after having my Mom here for a visit the house seems emptier when she leaves.

Obviously, the house IS emptier without a 3rd person here, but the empty feeling I get is not just from the lack of a physical presence...it's emotional also.

I grew up very close to my parents because I was an only child. I spent a great deal of time with them until I got into the 7th grade...then I started hanging out with my friends a lot more. I was very upset when I lost my Dad in 2005, and am very aware that my Mom will not live forever. I enjoy hanging out with her, going to the stores to "gape" (my word) at all the items, talking about different books we've read, and just sharing my thoughts and dreams and goals with her. She gives me strength when I'm feeling sad, offers advice when I'm struggling with a problem, and I know I always have her in my corner no matter what.

I wish I had spent more time with my Dad, and as a result of that I make sure I always have time for my Mom. When I return to work things will be different, I will not have 3 or 4 days in a row to have a sleep-over trip with her as I have done for the last 18 months. Our time together will be a day or two, but just as enjoyable.

Too many times we think about a loved one after they are gone and we share all the things we loved about that person. I believe in sharing it before they die, that way they know exactly how you feel and you become happy sharing it with them.

Mom, I love you very much and I'm glad to be your daughter. I would not be what I am today without you.

Queens Of The Dollar Store

2009-08-21T15:58:00.002-04:00

The last few times I have gone to visit my Mom we have started a new trend. There are a lot of dollar stores in her city and we have visited most of them. We went to one only because we were looking for little clips for my hair, and couldn't find the right ones. So my Mom told me there was another store on the next block. There were actually 2 of them pretty close together, and we checked those for my little clips. Eventually we found what I was looking for, but in the meantime we did a thorough tour of all the cheap stores. Some of the items they offer are pretty good for a buck. It's amazing how some stores charge lots of money for the same thing you can get at a dollar store, and the quality of the items are pretty close. Both my Mom & I enjoy looking at the stuff, and occasionally we find something that we didn't know we really needed until we saw it.

She is visiting me for a few days, so we are going to make sure we hit the dollar stores in my area. I don't have as many as she does, but I"m sure we will discover something!

Rest In Peace GiGi

2009-08-14T17:40:00.003-04:00

My heart was broken Tuesday.

It was broken like this once before, much worse. I think the fact that I'm on anti depressants tempered the terrible event.

I had to say goodbye to my sweet Greyhound girl GiGi Tuesday.

I knew the day would come, after all, dogs do not live forever; but I did not expect it to happen so suddenly. She was having more and more trouble standing up on her own, and would "flop" over frequently after drinking water or going outside. Tuesday morning she did not want to eat, and had diarrhea on top of it all. We put her in the kitchen for safekeeping while we went out for a few hours. Upon our return it looked like she had not moved from the spot she was in when we left. She was unable to get up, and even when my husband walked her with her sling, she had no interest in food or going outside.

This was not good.

After much soul searching, I called my vet who cared for her last year. She was kind enough to fit me in during her evening appointments. I did not want GiGi's quality of life to get worse while my vet was off on Wednesday. We did not think she was going to get better; after all, she was just 3 weeks from her 15th birthday. Greyhounds are not expected to live past age 14.

I had a few precious hours left with her before her 6 pm appointment. I lay down with her on her soft dog bed and whispered to her what a good girl she was and how much I was going to miss her. Her expression was exactly the same as my other Greyhound's the day I had her euthanized. She was ready to leave this world. I knew I was making the correct decision for her.

I held her paw from time to time as we drove to the hospital. My husband did not want to go inside with her, and as he walked away he was crying. This surprised and touched me, as I never knew the deep affection he had for our Greyhound girl.

My vet hugged me, and patted me as I cried and held GiGi as she took her last breath. Dr Smith cared for GiGi with dignity and love, and I would have had it no other way. My girl passed from this earth surrounded by those who loved her.

The house seems very empty now, devoid of all her dog beds and food bowls. I still have little Slander, but 13 lbs of Schnauzer is no replacement for a full size Greyhound.

I have shared my life with Greyhounds since 1995. This is the first time since that year that there is no needle nose close by, helping me eat my food, following me around the house, and going with me for long walks all year round.

I may not get another Greyhound, as I feel I would constantly be comparing the new one to the ones that have passed away. I have love to give, but don't know if I would physically be able to handle a young Greyhound (and one who would eventually grow older and have to be sling walked) with the way my back is now.

Perhaps it's best to open my home to another Schnauzer...small yet lovable. In any case, I'm mourning the loss of my sweet mischevious GiGi, and remembering the good things about her:

The time she ate an entire Entenmann's raspberry danish.

The time she escaped from the back yard and was found wandering the streets 15 heart stopping minutes later.

Visiting nursing homes with her as part of the Therapy Dog program.

Countless meet & greets to educate people to the plight of the racing Greyhound.

The memories go on and on...just like the love she created in me along with her sister Heidi Q.

They will never be forgotten.

Cash For Clunkers..What A Hassle

2009-08-10T10:25:00.003-04:00

On a whim last week I went to a few car dealers to see what some new cars had to offer. (Being unemployed is dangerous, as you have lots of free time to get into trouble.) I knew the Jeep Grand Cherokee was unaffordable, but I wanted to see how much the smaller models were. They were not worth the money, as the interior was bare-bones and the ride not so good. I also didn't like the salesman.

We left and went back home to get on the internet. My husband suggested we use my old 1989 Mercury Cougar as a "clunker" to get some money towards the purchase of a new car. As I browsed the Honda website (and internally cringing for looking at a foreign car), the Honda Fit caught my eye. The dealer was close to us so off we went. The Fit was cute, but didn't grab me. As we strolled throughout the showroom, another car caught my eye...the Insight. It was interesting looking and the interior had a lot of amenities. A salesman saw me sitting in the car and asked if I wanted to test drive it. Of course I did!

When we returned to the dealer, he sat us down for the serious negotiations. I kept telling him we were just looking but the pressure was on. I really did like the Insight, a hybrid that boasts 40 mpg city. The negotiations got fast & furious, at one point I test drove the Fit to further cement my opinion of the Insight (it was lovely) and all of a sudden we were given a monthly payment we liked.

That was the easy part.

As Cash For Clunkers advertises, all you have to do is bring your old car to the dealer.

Nope.

You need 2 years worth of insurance and registration papers to give the dealer. Sounds easy, right? Well, how many people keep their old insurance card & registration once the new ones come? I usually did, except last year my husband went on a cleaning kick and threw all the old ones out, saying that when you get stopped you have to search through all of them to find the right one.

WRONG! The new ones are always on top, and I have no problem finding them. Anyway, he tossed all the old ones. I had to go to the DMV to get a registration history. When I finally filled out the paperwork and talked to a clerk (after standing in 4 different lines and going to two different buildings) I was told that I could not get the printout the same day. I was livid. How long does it take to hit print screen and give someone a piece of paper? Apparently a few days if you are a government worker. Thus, I did not get my car that day.

The dealer called me later that day to say that others had gone to another DMV office and gotten their stuff right away. So Saturday I woke up at 7:45 am and went 45 minutes away to a DMV office that was clean, quiet and productive! I got my paperwork! I practically flew to the dealer. Of course, more roadblocks stood in my way...the dealer needed my original of the insurance card and registration for THIS year, which was home. I had already dropped my clunker off at the dealer the other day, so I just filed the papers. My poor husband drove home to get the documents while I filled out and signed millions of contracts. We were in the dealer's from 10 am to 2:30 pm. It was all worth it when I saw my car, however. She's a beauty!

Then I had to meet with the financial sales guy...who tried to up my monthly payment by offering extras like window etching, Lojack, gap insurance, extended warranty and something like road hazard insurance for the tires. My payment would have been more than 200 more!!!

I ended up taking the extended warranty after furious negotiations. My payment was only $8 more than I was promised. The warranty is great...I have no deductible and everything is covered for 8 years. My husband is happy, he doesn't have to work on the car at all!

I love driving around in my little hybrid....but the government sure didn't make it easy to get.

I Did My Job

2009-07-31T16:02:00.002-04:00

Yesterday was a very fulfilling day. Thursday is surgery day at my clinic, and I help prepare the pets for their spays, neuters, and other surgeries. There was an older dog that was having a dental procedure done, and I noticed that her recovery cage did not have a heating pad in it. I mentioned that to the vet, and went to get one. I know that during surgery, the anesthesia impairs the body's ability to thermoregulate itself, and I also know that senior dogs feel the cold more. I was especially interested in this case because I knew the pet was older, and I have a soft spot in my heart for the seniors.

I got a warm feeling inside knowing that I made a difference in that pet's recovery. I'm not patting myself on the back, I'm just saying I did my job.

Later when she was in recovery, she was not feeling well. She had vomited and was whining a bit. I went over to her cage and petted her, while I told her she was a good girl and would feel better soon. She stopped whining and settled down. From time to time I stopped by her cage to make sure she was still ok, and to pet her. What I did was invisible to her owners, but I was not doing it for them...I was doing it for the dog. I think of my own pets when they had surgery, and hoped there was a kind vet tech around to make their scary hospital stay a little bit better. If so; they were doing their job.

I get so much more out of being a vet tech than I used to working in an office. There is no greater feeling in the world than seeing a healthy dog leave the vet clinic, or knowing that you helped a cat in pain. I wish I had gotten into it sooner in life, but there is no room for regrets. I just have to make sure I make up for lost time and give my patients the best care that I can.

I'm just doing my job.

Cut It All Off

2009-07-29T20:17:00.005-04:00

For the last few days I've been giving serious consideration to cutting my hair, and this picture is kind of the style I'm thinking about. It would be kind of drastic because my hair is all one length and it reaches my shoulders. I really hate having it in my face, so I wear it tied back constantly. I also don't go out to clubs like I used to so I don't need to have a really stylish cut. (Not that this isn't stylish, but I don't have to worry about looking hot at a club.)

In my field of work longer hair gets in the way, and can get dog slobber on it quite easily. There are many vet techs that have short haircuts, and to me that is very practical. I'm at the age now where I'm comfortable in my own skin and no longer want to be a slave to doing my hair (flat ironing in particular) every day. I'm going to my salon this Friday to talk to my stylist. When I return to work at the end of August I would like to just wash my hair & go, and not worry about it hanging in my face or looking stringy. I may not get it cut right away (yeah right, who am I kidding) but would like a 2nd opinion from my stylist anyway.

I'll keep you posted!

A Hibachi Dinner

2009-07-29T13:04:00.003-04:00

Last night my best friend and I went to eat at a new hibachi restaurant by my house. There was not a soul in the place! I almost felt bad for a moment, having the chef come out and perform just for the two of us. As we watched our dinner being prepared, my friend started urgently whispering to me "do we tip this guy?" I said no, you just leave the tip at the end like every other restaurant. During the course of the meal he asked me THREE more times if he should slip the chef a few bucks. At this point I started thinking some things.

1. I actually never considered tipping the chef.

2. Didn't I ever take my friend to a hibachi before? I thought I did but he was acting like it was his first time.

3. If the tip gets left to the waiter (who only brought the drinks, hardly any work at all) then he should split it with the chef.

4. Finally, maybe the chef gets paid well and doesn't need the tip.

After some more frantic whispering I convinced my friend to leave the tip at the end of the meal like he would normally do.

The food was delicious, by the way. As we were finishing up our meal a large party came in and was seated by us. Then a couple came in and was seated at a different table. I would have ignored their arrival except for the fact that she called the waiter over and asked for "Diet Coke, in a kid's cup." Lo and behold, their child was up in the front of the restaurant with her hands in the koi pond trying to catch the fish. That caused me to think some more:

1. Why is that kid drinking DIET Coke? That is wrong on so many levels.

2. Can somebody please yell at her to stop harassing the fish? Where is the discipline?

At that point we were getting ready to leave, and as I passed the poor koi in their disturbed sanctuary, I gave the kid a hard stare. She ignored it.

Who would have thought that a simple dinner would result in a blog post? I never knew my meals were so interesting.

Good And Evil

2009-07-21T17:20:00.002-04:00

How wonderful a world this is that we can have both good and evil exist side by side. Well, almost side by side...I'm the only thing separating them!

My neighbors on the left side of me (or the right if you are facing my house, not sure how you are supposed to face when describing neighbors) are totally evil. They try to cut down our bushes and trees, come out of their house to stare and see what we are doing, even if it's a mundane task like mowing the lawn or picking up dog poop, and park in front of our house even though they have plenty of space in front of theirs. The neighbor on the other side of me is such a pleasant person! He keeps his house neat and clean, plants flowers yearly, parks in his own driveway, minds his own business and is generally quiet.

See what I mean about good & evil?

This past Sunday, the woman of the house came by while I was vacuuming out my car to say hello and GIVE ME A GIFT. There was no reason for the present, she is just a good person. She gave me a hanging basket of flowers (just like the ones she has hanging on her fence) and told me she made it just for me. We usually speak in passing, about our gardens or flowers, but I never dreamed she could be so creative and thoughtful as to give me a floral gift.

I love flowers!!!

The only thing my evil neighbors give me is a headache. They are currently trying to sue me over growth of tree roots, and obviously I can't blog about that because it's happening now. Rest assured I will give all sorts of details once it's all finished.

Anyway, there you have it. Good and evil in the same place.

Flowers on one side and stink weeds on the other.

High School Reunion

2009-07-19T11:52:00.004-04:00

Thanks to FaceBook, I have re-connected with many of my old high school classmates. There are still a few that are not on the website, but that cannot be helped. Anyway, an informal class reunion developed out of our virtual conversations with each other, and that reunion took place this past Friday.

As the day grew closer, I felt myself falling into the trap of not wanting to go. There were so many excuses! I had to drive all the way to Bayonne, I had to work the next day, there were things to do at home, the list went on and on. I had committed to going, however, so I got dressed (that was an adventure, I changed clothes 4 times before deciding on an outfit) and got in the car.

There were about 18 of us that showed up, and the wine and conversation flowed freely. (I didn't drink, I had Coke all night.) The majority of the girls were not the ones in my clique in high school, but we all got along greatly and there was no awkwardness. I found myself wishing I had been friends with them in high school...but perhaps we were all different people back then. The time for petty games was gone, and we bonded over things like struggles with money, recalcitrant husbands, and health issues. I discovered that our class of 1982 had conquered cancer; a few of us had passed away; some were struggling with cancer now; and we were all united in helping prevent our high school from closing. (Our school is in grave financial danger and one of our class almost singlehandedly took the reins and formed a committee to save the school.)

I discovered the class of '82 was resilient; hardworking, yet still self conscious. We have grown into strong, intelligent women and we are all proud of our accomplishments. I'm very glad I decided to go to this reunion, as I thoroughly enjoyed my evening and had to drag myself away after midnight. As the night was ending we all promised to get together again soon, even making it a yearly thing.

Perhaps the toast that I gave before dinner sums it up perfectly: "To old friends, renewed friendships, and to growing old gracefully!"

Baby Back Rib Potato Chips

2009-07-15T14:00:00.004-04:00

As my husband & I went to get a sandwich at WaWa, he noticed a new display in the front of the store. It was filled with flavored potato chips from Herr's. The flavor that caught his eye was "Baby Back Ribs". I figured, what the heck...they were only 99 cents.

They are delicious! They taste exactly like ribs. I know that may sound gross, but if you shut your eyes and ignore the crunch, you would totally believe you are eating baby back ribs.

I was unable to find this flavor on the Herr's website, but when I Googled the flavor I found out that they are discontinued. How awful! I would buy them to eat with a sandwich or even just by themselves.

We live in a great country where there are potato chips with every flavor known to man. Of course, we are also a fast food nation and obesity is rampant. It's hard to eat healthy when you are tempted with all these quick and easy snacks with a variety of flavors. Herr's sells chips with flavors like boardwalk salt & vinegar, buffalo wing and Philly cheese steak. My husband is interested in trying the cheese steak ones.

Needless to say, I'm typing this post with greasy fingers from our new snack...and planning another trip back to WaWa to get more before they are all gone.

Learning A Lot

2009-07-13T17:09:00.002-04:00

I've been on my externship for over a month now, and I can honestly say I'm really learning stuff. Each paper I have to write, each time I take an X-ray, every time I look under the microscope, I gain knowledge. The microscope is really not my friend, it seems like everyone can find Giardia or Coccidia except for me...but the other day the tech told me to "look under the 'scope, there is things to see", and I found a parasite that she missed! She told the vet that I was able to locate a tapeworm egg and that scored me BIG points. The tech jokingly told me that I got an A and she got an F for missing it. That did a lot for my confidence.

And today I got to draw blood on a real live (not sedated) dog! I hit the vein and got the job done.

At times I struggle with X-rays. I have had to take and re-take shots because the dog moved, or I didn't collimate correctly, or because I had the pet in the wrong position (THAT'S awkward). I will get better with time and practice. The good thing for me right now is that I finally got my old job back, and I won't have to take X-rays there. I plan on volunteering at my local ASPCA or another vet hospital to keep my hand in, however. It will look good on my resume also.

Today I received my very own stethoscope. I was hoping to receive it as a graduation gift, but alas, I needed it to complete my externship. That is ok, that leaves me room for another cool gift after I graduate!

All in all, things are going well and I'm very pleased to be learning all that I am. I'm also pleased to be going back to work with my old vet. She is the best, most patient person ever.

You will certainly be hearing about her once I get back to work.

An Interesting Dinner

2009-06-30T16:02:00.002-04:00

The other day I ate at Disneyland....oops, I meant Outback Steak House. You can see the similarities between those 2 places, right?

You can't? Well, let me tell you about my meal. As soon as I was seated I could hear the wailing of a child from 2 tables over. That parent did the right thing and quieted the child up quickly. No sooner did calmness settle over the air then more cries began, this time from the table right next to us. That mom was deaf. She turned away from the baby in the high chair and the chants of "mommy, mommy" for about 10 minutes. Everyone else at the table just sat there as well.

No amount of staring at the parties involved would change things. The kid continued to bellyache and the adults just gazed blankly into space, unaware that my ears were bleeding.

As we ate our meals more families with children were seated. I felt a growing panic--suppose they ALL started acting up at once? Like dogs who howl when they hear other canines give voice, I think children do the same.

Then the unthinkable happened! The mother picked up the child and gave it a piece of bread, effectively quieting the racket. I breathed a sigh of relief.

Later on I asked our waiter, "Do kids eat free here?" and he told me no. I then queried about the many children in the restaurant and he replied, "Tell me about it".

I have no idea why so many parents would bring their children to Outback, as the food is quite spicy and expensive. The children I saw were much too young to see the commercials and pester their parents to have an Australian experience.

I'm baffled to this day. The food was really good, but I think the next time I go, I will bring earplugs.

My Namesake

2009-06-23T11:35:00.002-04:00

Thanks to a dear friend of mine, I can now finally see the woman that I was named after! Perhaps I was not Googling thoroughly enough.

Here's the backstory: I have the same initials as my father, K.W. When I was born in the early 60's, my parents wanted to give me an "unusual" name, one that was not common. They went through the Kathys and Karens and Kellys, etc. That still was not eclectic enough. Then (as my Mom says the story goes) they remembered a show with a woman named Kyle MacDonald. It was during the 50's. That was the jackpot, and Kyle I became.

All my life I have had to explain to ignorant people that yes, I am a woman and no, my parents didn't want a boy, and yes, it's a girl's name and no, I wasn't named after Kyle Rote or whoever.

When I explained about the show with Kyle MacDonald on it I would get blank looks, even from those old enough to remember the 50's. I was beginning to think that this woman never existed.

The spelling of my name (it's 4 letters!! how can you mis-spell it?!?) was mangled during my grammar school years. Cile, Kile, Klye, Cyle, the insanity goes on and on.

When I was working in customer service and would leave messages for others during the course of my job, it never failed that people would call back asking for Kyle, "I'm returning HIS call".

AUUUUGH!!!

Lately people have been calling me Kylie, a mispronunciation on their part, since there is no "i" in my name. If that was how you pronounced it, I would be spelling it KyLee. That looks pretty cool, actually.

I would never think to change it, because then I would not share my initials with my Dad. There are some folks who, after hearing my name and seeing me, a woman, tell me that my name is cool and unusual. To be sure, there are more girls named Kyle now than there were in the 70's & 80's, but not enough to make it commonplace.

I have reached a grudging acceptance of my appellation as I reach middle age. It is still pretty unusual, and lots of names nowadays are unisex.

I would rather be a girl named Kyle than a boy named Kim, that's for sure.

Rest In Peace, Rocket

2009-06-19T20:35:00.004-04:00

One of the sweetest Greyhounds I have ever known went to heaven yesterday. His name was Rocket and I used to board him at my house when his family went on trips. He came to my house for years & years, and I watched as he grew older. He had cheated death once before, when he was hit by a car and the vet took him home to watch over him at night and nurse him back to health. That health stayed with him until the beginning of this month, when he developed a large lump in his abdomen.

He was at my house over the Memorial Day weekend, and showed no signs of feeling unwell. He played with us, begged for treats (one time he stole a meatball right off my husband's plate!) and slept on the futon day & night. I didn't even crate him. He was like family rather than a guest.

A few days after he went home, I got a call from his owner. She was asking about some symptoms she was noticing with Rocket. After hearing what she had to say, I suggested she call her vet and bring him in for a visit. A few days after that she called to say the vet had diagnosed a lump, and Rocket was resting comfortably at home. That was all she said on the message she left me.

Last week I was thinking about Rocket and realized I had not called her back to see how he was doing.

I heard from her today. It was as much of a shock to them as it was to me, since the day before she noticed his lump, he was chasing groundhogs in the yard and going for long walks.

She told me they were doing palliative care at home, petting him and loving him, spoon feeding him soup when his appetite was failing, and giving him medication to ease his pain.

Rocket was a happy, strong and well behaved Greyhound. He never caused me any trouble, even when there were 4 dogs in my house he got along well with them all. I will remember Rocket's quirks, from the way he used to lick my husband's legs for minutes on end, how he used to playfully growl when you tried to grab a toy out of his mouth, and how he would wrap his paw around your leg when he wanted you to pet him.

I know it is a great loss to his family not to have him around, and it is a loss to my family too. One of the most poignant memories I have of the gentle Greyhound is how he absorbed my tears when my father died. I was boarding him that week, and when I came home from the hospital that night he came to me while I cried and cried. He stood by me and soaked up all my tears until there were no more.

I am coming up on the 4th anniversary of my Dad's death June 25th. What a twist of fate is it that Rocket passed from this life almost the same time.

Death comes to us all. His family gave him the final gift of love and caring, to ease his pain forever and give him peace. I know the feeling in their hearts tonight, because that feeling is in my heart too.

Rest in Peace, Rocket. You were loved.

A New Interest

2009-06-14T14:26:00.002-04:00

I'm learning how to do many different things at my externship. As I may have mentioned before, I'm learning how to run lab tests (like 4DX heartworm tests, fecal parasite tests, spinning of blood, etc).

I really enjoy doing this. Maybe because there is a set way to do it and the routine comforts me. Maybe it is a way for me to get closer to science. Maybe it's because I don't have to deal with clients directly. I really don't think of myself as a "people person", and I know as a vet tech it's part of my job description; but I would rather work in the back of the hospital and not have to deal with the owners.

On that note, however, when I would be able to help someone's pet and they thanked me for my efforts, I did feel good. It's not always bad to interact with clients.

Anyway, back to the lab work. I will be learning more in the upcoming weeks and will share my feelings, as soon as I know what they are. I'm also grateful to the hospital for broadening my knowledge, as I will have a "leg up" on next semester, when I will be taking Lab and Parasitology classes. Having more knowledge now will make me more employable as well.

Things are going well all around.

Report On My First Day

2009-06-09T20:50:00.002-04:00

Well, I made it through a 12 hour work day without incident! There was a moment there when I thought I was going to pass out (seriously) but it was around 10 am, my blood sugar was low. Once I had my donut and tea I was fine.

Everyone at the clinic is very nice and the vet is quite interested in teaching me a wide variety of things, even those things I don't need to know for my externship. I watched a training video on fecal exams and parasites, and she gave me a link to online classes. I was told I would be doing fecal examinations by the end of the week. Yay! (I think)

Thursday is surgery day. I will be observing a spay and possibly a declaw, also a pancreas operation. You know I'll be blogging about that.

I received 2 shirts with the clinic name and MY name embroidered on them, so I will blend in with the rest of the crew. My husband insists that they will hire me after the externship is over. I hope so. The techs there get to do a wide variety of things, not just restrain animals. On a typical day I will get to count out pills, run lab tests, help with surgery, take X-rays and more.

I enjoyed having today off to sleep late, but I'm also looking forward to going back tomorrow. I plan to take my laptop computer with me to get some work done during lunch and dinner break. There will be an opportunity to bring my little schnauzer to the clinic to make her a patient, I may do blood draws or X-rays with her help.

All in all, it's a good beginning. I will not get yelled at (a la Danvers) or browbeaten, and I will be taught many valuable skills. I'm so happy to finally be moving forward.

Totally Random Thoughts

2009-06-06T13:32:00.002-04:00

I have nothing in particular to blog about today so I will just type whatever comes to mind for a few minutes.

Bear with me.

I think the 3 favorite books of mine when I was a kid were Harriet The Spy; The Mixed-Up Files of Mrs Basil E Frankweiler; and The Lemon Freshened Active Enzyme Junior High School Witch.

I know those are very long titles but they are really well written and funny books. Thinking about them makes me want to go to the library.

My car has been vibrating very badly whenever I try to go over 65 mph. Since I do not have a speed governor on my vehicle, I knew something was wrong. My husband replaced a tie rod ( I regularly need front end work done on my car because I like to drive over things) but that did not solve the problem. Yesterday since it was pouring down rain, we went to Pep Boys and I got 4 new tires (a really bald tire was the issue. The steel belts were all sticking out due to uneven wear. I don't rotate my tires, obviously), new wiper blades, and other minor things for the car.

Now it rides smoothly. It better, I spent about $600.00!

I'm looking forward to my externship starting this Monday. I'm not looking forward to waking up at 6AM, however.

I'll have interesting things to blog about, though. If I'm not too exhausted from 12 hour days.

Today is the Belmont, and I really hope Calvin Borel can get a jockey triple crown. He deserves it. I also hope sincerely that all the horses come out of the race healthy.

The sky is such a pretty blue today..it was raining for the last few days so a clear sky deserves a mention. I have errands to run today so I'd better finish up this post and get out the door. It may be a while before I post again, I will be concentrating on my studies for a bit.

Preparing!

2009-05-30T13:05:00.002-04:00

The countdown is on..8 days left until I start my externship.

I was always one of those geeky kids that was excited to start school. I loved going to the store and buying fresh new notebooks, pens, organizers, and the like. 30 years later, this time is no different. I fired up my laptop and made sure it was ready to go. I got a new notebook from my stash downstairs (yes, I have about 20 blank notebooks all ready to go, just in case). I packed up a couple of pens and a highlighter and I was set.

I'm all ready to start learning and typing and documenting. My time online will be greatly diminished while I'm doing this, as I will be busy for about 40+ hours each week. I'm sure I will have lots of new and interesting subjects to blog about, I will just have to find the time to do it. I'll also have some cool photos to publish, as part of my documentation involves pictures of me performing vet tech tasks.

8 days and counting! I can hardly wait.

"The Associate" by John Grisham

2009-05-23T18:04:00.005-04:00

As some of you may know, I am a voracious reader. One of my friends even suggested that I blog about books, or do a book review post from time to time. I used to write book reviews for a company newsletter many years ago, and got a lot of positive feedback. However, that time has passed and I just blog about whatever strikes me.

This book I just finished has struck me. And not in a good way, either.

I enjoy John Grisham a lot. Every time I see a new one published I go to my library and check it out. "The Associate" is his new one. It took me about 3 days to read it. It started out ok, got to be good, then turned really great. There was lots of activity, subterfuge, legalese and suspense. There was even a murder. Pretty soon I was almost at the back of the book. Noticing how few pages were left, I said to myself, "This book better start wrapping all the loose ends up soon."

I wondered what was going to happen to the characters. My mind ran through different scenarios and I was looking forward to a few double crosses as the bad guys got what was coming to them.

(At this point in my post I'm going to write about how the book ends. Consider this a SPOILER ALERT. Read no further if you intend to read this book yourself. You have been warned.)

The book...Just. Ended. The bad guys were not caught, there was no retribution, the scared associate didn't even go into the witness protection program as he was supposed to. Hell, he didn't even get the girl!!

For 99% of the book the plot rolled along like a rock down a hill, twisting and turning, bumpy and fun. Then the plot slowly creaked to a stop. It was if he grew tired of the characters and gave it a quick and easy ending.

I was so unsatisfied. Then I was angry.

This was not the quality of writing I grew to expect from John Grisham. What was happening here? I felt cheated.

I will still read his books, but will certainly be on the lookout for more lousy endings. I hope that he is continuing to write the books himself, and not employ a ghost writer. There will probably be a while before his next book comes out, and I may even forget and forgive this transgression. Really good authors are hard to find, and I hope he stays in that category.

Strange Neighbors

2009-05-23T17:25:00.003-04:00

When I moved into my current house years ago, all the people on my block cautioned me about my next door neighbor. Suffice it to say, we have dubbed their family the "evil-doers". Their most interesting quirk is their extreme distaste for anyone turning around in their driveway. (We live on a dead end and when drivers ignore the sign and come down the block anyway, they inevitably pull a K-turn in front of either my house or the evil-doers.)

It's really not a big deal, I'm not saying everyone pulls all the way into the driveway, they just kind of put the nose of the car in a few inches and then back out. No big deal, right?

It is to these people.

The matriarch of the family (known to us as the Old Bat) will park her car all the way to the end of the driveway and walk, walk, walk all the way UP to her house. This, in turn, forces her daughter to park her car on the street. There is room for 3 cars in the driveway, but the Old Bat insists on hogging the whole thing.

Now, the second part of my story. The daughter was in the habit of parking her car in front of OUR house for a while. Then my Dad passed away and I put his car in front of my house. Suddenly the daughter (she has no pet name, sorry) discovered that her car fit just as well in front of her own house. She still parked in front of mine from time to time when they found out it annoyed us.

The last week or so, however, she has been parking on the other side of her house, far away from us. I asked my husband what was up. He told me that the neighbors across the street have about 5 cars, and they were parking THEIR cars in front of the evil-doer's house! A little turnabout is fair play!

Needless to say, they took umbrage at that, and now park in front of their own house (as it should be) to prevent the neighbor's cars from going there.

Are you still with me?

So now everyone's car is in front of their own house and all is well.

I'm glad that I have more in my life to occupy me than the parking of cars.

A Nation of Superficial People

2009-05-21T15:38:00.002-04:00

My best friend & I went to a minor league baseball game today. The game started at 11AM and he advised me that there would be a million kids there.

He was right.

There were about 2 BILLION kids there. Bus after bus pulled up, from grammar and middle schools. Picture hundreds of kids all wearing their school t-shirts, waving foam fingers madly, milling about, screaming, laughing, throwing things, and generally not paying any attention to the game whatsoever.

This was my day.

I don't have much (if any) interaction with kids, so I gaped in amazement. And shock. Most of the girls were dressed way too provocatively, their hair was perfect (complicated styles too), and their makeup was done to a "T".

I gaped some more.

The boys were regular boys, t-shirts and caps on backward, so I went back to looking at the girls again. When did kids start looking older than they should? And no, it's not about the age thing (my age thing, that is).

It's just a general observation. 90% of the girls were so pretty that their dads must be having heart attacks just having them out of their sight. The other 10% were trying very hard. And 100% were totally rocking the cool factor, more than I remember me & my friends doing.

I mentioned this to my friend, who replied, "Don't sweat it. This generation is obsessed with looking perfect, that means they are going to grow up to be idiots".

I thought about that for a minute. He told me another story about his niece being ecstatic that she got braces, and her friends were too. When we were younger we wanted nothing to do with braces, but nowadays all the kids want them because it's a means to PERFECT TEETH.

Don't get me wrong, having good teeth is certainly laudable, but there is absolutely no reason for an 8th grader to be wearing that much makeup and majorly short shorts. They should be worrying about other things, like school and hobbies, not getting their eyeliner perfect and spending all their parent's money on Hollister clothing.

I'm really not viewing this as a "these young whippersnappers" moment. I guess it could be construed as a generational gap, but I think kids should be kids, enjoy being young while you can and leave the hot clothes and makeup to the older girls.

Believe me, aging prematurely is not good, no matter what age you are.

Hard Work And Fun

2009-05-18T13:01:00.002-04:00

I laughed yesterday. Not the "heh heh" polite kind when someone says something witty or sarcastic; a full out belly laugh. That in itself is pretty unremarkable, but if you know what I have been going through the 8 months or so--then it is pretty impressive. I laughed so much I couldn't breathe and I had to beg the person to stop talking!

Since Thursday I have been helping a friend of mine in his warehouse. There are a million small boxes that have to go from one spot to another and I was asked to help. I managed to be there all day and not be anxious. I actually felt good! Some of my old work friends were there, I got a lot of hugs, and more importantly, I got out of the house and got the blood flowing.

I brought along my best friend Saturday & Sunday, and that is when the laughing started. As we sat and ate lunch some funny topics came up and I cackled merrily. Yesterday I laughed so hard I almost cried. I'm sure part of it was that we were all tired of moving tiny boxes for 4 days straight, but the things that my friend was saying WERE funny.

It felt so good to laugh.

I never laughed like that at the vet hospital, but on the other hand we had constant cuteness and lots of animals to pet all day long. My previous job was stressful and boring, but we laughed there lots of times. I suppose it's a trade off.

The bottom line is, I'm able to get out of the house and not panic, and actually laugh and feel good again. Exhausted though I was after 4 days of work, I also learned that my medication is working, and that in itself is something to smile about.

Good News...Finally

2009-05-15T20:21:00.002-04:00

This past Tuesday was a great day! I interviewed at a vet hospital and the vet agreed to take me on as an extern! I should be starting in a few weeks. I also got an extension for this semester, free of charge since I was having medical issues.

My depression seems to be lifted, as I am much happier about things, even when they are going bad (like lack of money and no jobs available). I still have anxiety from time to time but it's nowhere near what I was experiencing last year. I can finally see light at the end of the tunnel.

Once I start my externship I will find out if I can truly go back to the regular world of work and responsibility. I may not be able to blog as frequently since I have essays to write as part of the externship. I'm sure there will be lots of things to write about..I will have to save it up for when I have a few free moments.

Life is pretty good right now.

Act Your Age

2009-05-08T11:57:00.005-04:00

As I was reading one of my books the other day I came upon this sentence: What seems eccentric and edgy when you're in your 20's or 30's turns into something closer to pathetic at 40.

I stopped reading and thought for a moment. How true that is! How many times do we see an older person wearing something best left to a college student and thought to ourselves "what is THAT?"

I remember going to clubs and seeing 40-somethings on the dance floor and thinking unkind thoughts. Now that I'm up there in age I wonder what would people think if I showed up at a club?

The other day I was waiting on line at a restaurant. There were 4 kids in front of me. (I hate to say kids, they were probably 17 or so, it's hard to tell anymore, the older I get. Sigh.) Anyway, they were wearing their velour sweatpants and Ugg boots and lacrosse varsity jackets. They were giggling, the girls were smooching their boyfriends and gazing into each others' eyes as only the angsty teens can do.

I hated them.

I wanted to be young & carefree, smooching my guy, with no weightier problems other than final exams and "does this shirt match these pants?"

I sighed to myself and immediately conjured up the thought that I had plenty of fun when I was younger, tempus fugit and all that, and I'm now experienced, wise & savvy. Obviously I was trying to talk myself out of the pathetic envy pit I had fallen into.

It wasn't working.

Today's teens are hip, well dressed, technologically advanced (compared to when we were teens) and very cool. Even though I have an iPod, go on FaceBook and Twitter daily I still feel like a dinosaur. This is not good.

We never did get to eat at that restaurant. The line wasn't moving and it was getting quite near to 8 o'clock and American Idol time, so we left. I'd like to report that I stopped being disgruntled about my lack of youth but obviously it stuck with me, hence this post.

To make matters worse, today in the mail I received a party invitation for a friend's 50th birthday party. I have known this person for over 16 years, but to hear that he just turned 50 made my mouth drop open.

We are all aging, whether we like it or not. I guess the important thing is to stop worrying about it and make every day count, to make memories at every age.

I will try to remember that the next time I see some giggling teenagers.

More Nostalgia

2009-05-03T15:48:00.002-04:00

Albert Camus suggested that we spend our adult life seeking to restore our childhood's brief moments of happiness. As I get older I think this is very true. I have been thinking a lot about what made me happy during my grammar school years, and so today's post is a brief but certainly not all-inclusive list of happiness. I'm sure there was a great deal more but my memory fails me.

Pillsbury Food Sticks

going to the movies with my Dad (for example, The Poseidon Adventure or The Towering Inferno

swimming in my backyard pool

homemade chicken noodle soup for lunch on a rainy day (when kids were supposed to go home for lunch since my school didn't have a cafeteria)

Beeman's Gum

going to Lancaster, PA with my parents twice a year

Saturday afternoon movies at the Lyceum Theatre in Bayonne

hours upon hours spent at the Bayonne Public Library

I'd be devouring books by Lois Lenski, Louise Fitzhugh, all the Nancy Drew and Bobbsey Twin series, reading about Pompeii and the Greek/Roman gods, and of course, the Anne of Green Gables series.

Just thinking about any of these things makes me feel all warm & fuzzy. If I could have a wish, other than to be able to go back in time and be in grammar school again, it would be to have all the books I read as a child available to me again. I lost many books due to a house fire and that is one of the big regrets of my life.

I did say this was a brief list; as more things come to mind I will continue this post.

A Lack Of Excitement

2009-04-29T16:15:00.002-04:00

The last few days here have been extremely warm, so I have gotten out of the house and done some yard work. I have also taken time to gaze around and see what nature has started this spring. So many plants and flowers have popped up seemingly overnight. As I got a closer look at the flowers I started thinking that I'm not really amazed at things any more. Sure, I feel content when I take a deep breath of fresh air, or feel good when I see wildflowers on the side of the road, but I'm talking about good old fashioned elation: the kind I used to get after watching a movie in the theatre when I was really young. I remember coming back from "Chitty Chitty Bang Bang" and skipping along, wishing our car could fly. I remember seeing Willy Wonka and dreaming about my own Golden Ticket.

Even a trip to Forest Lodge or Bowcraft Playland was a guaranteed winner in the excitement department. My Dad used to take me regularly to both places, where I would go swimming, play in the playground, ride Cappy the pony, or even shoot a bow and arrow.

Now kids have fun by playing video games or Dance Dance Revolution.

And my capacity for feeling thrilled has greatly diminished. Oh sure, I enjoy living, and get pleasure from simple things like petting my dogs or relaxing on the couch after a good meal, but I no longer skip after seeing a movie. I suppose there are a few things to blame: getting older, becoming jaded as things in life disappointed me, etc.

Perhaps this is a wake up call for me to take more time out to look for wildflowers, or take a few extra sniffs of the spring breeze. Life may not always be a thrill a minute, but it's certainly worth living.

A Good Friend and An Unwelcome Companion

2009-04-20T13:57:00.002-04:00

I would use the line "it was the best of times, it was the worst of times" but that has been taken. This past Saturday I spent some time with a friend that has reconnected with me on FaceBook. We met in 1998 but lost touch around 2002 as our paths went divergent ways. Last year I had gotten an email and friend request from him and I was ecstatic. We had been trying to meet up since then but our schedules did not permit it..until now. We sat at my house and talked for hours, went to the diner for some food and talked there for hours, then back to my house to watch the Yankee game and still talked!

I so enjoy spending time with him. We are simply friends, there is no flirting, or trying to be someone that I'm not. The best part about him is that he is extremely intelligent, well read and has an impressive vocabulary. I can use words with him and I know he will understand and appreciate them.

The downside of this is that I woke up with terrible anxiety that morning. I didn't make plans until about noon time so it wasn't that I was apprehensive about meeting him. And even when we were together I was still vibrating and anxious. I was terribly upset. What was wrong with me? I thought I was getting better! How could I be enjoying someone's company and still want to run away and hide?

Frustrated and scared though I was, I didn't say anything. I figured I would get better as the day went on.

It did not get better.

He went home around 8 PM, and I settled in to watch some TV and relax (or so I hoped). I was still anxious.

I took my usual pill at 11 PM and about a half hour later I felt calm, for the first time that day. I hoped that I would not have to deal with the same issues on Sunday. Now I was getting anxious about being anxious! Not good.

I was better on Sunday, I'm pleased to report...but today I have a little bit of vibration. Not as bad as it could be, but it is still there.

When will this all end?

Too Much Information

2009-04-17T13:20:00.006-04:00

I was in the act of composing an email to a friend (he had posted a status update on FaceBook about a doctor visit and I was concerned) and something that I wrote made me stop and think for a second. I had written "nothing much new here, you can see what is going on by my FaceBook updates and my blog".

That sentence made me stop dead in my tracks.

We are living in the "instant update zone", what with Twitter, FaceBook, blogs, MySpace (does anyone still use that?) and the like. There is no need to spend time hashing out long emails to our friends, when they can just follow our tweets or scan our status updates. I fear that we are becoming an entire nation of hyperactive multitasking people. We watch TV while texting, talk on our cell phones while driving, eat dinner while checking our email, and even give our children video games to play to keep them out of our hair for a while.

Remember the old days, where you would write (by hand!) an actual letter? My parents had stationery, with a design. I remember them using it to write notes to my teacher when I was out sick. I also remember having pen pals and the thrill I got when there was mail for me. I so enjoyed writing to my pen pals and hearing their stories.

Those days are gone.

Now everyone is a virtual pen pal, information without intimacy.

http://mashable.com/2009/04/17/web-in-numbers-social-media/

This link confirms what I'm saying. The statistics are incredible.

We can never go back to the old ways, and for that I am sad. There is a whole generation of people out there that have never, and will never, hand write a letter.

One of my friends summed it up best while we were discussing the social media explosion. His Dad had recently passed away and one of his friends had taken the time to hand write a card expressing her condolences and some reassuring thoughts for the future. My friend keeps this card on his night stand and re-reads it from time to time.

Here is his comment: "Twitter, FaceBook and emails have their place, it's true. But I don't keep any 'tweets' or emails on my nightstand."

Waiting...And Waiting...

2009-04-17T12:37:00.002-04:00

I finally heard back from the one vet I was flapping about a few posts ago..the answer was NO. They said they could not accomplish all the tasks I had to learn in the time period allotted. How strange, other students have passed their externship with the exact same time constrictions. This program is accredited by the AVMA (governing body for veterinarians and techs) so they are not picking times and subjects arbitrarily.

Anyhow, I picked up my curriculum book and dropped it off at another vet I came upon while Googling. That was about a week ago.

A former co worker of mine sent me a link to a vet hospital that has 2 of their staff members going to Penn Foster. That sounds promising! I emailed them a note yesterday outlining my externship and asking them if it was something they could help me with.

I am also emailing out my resume, killing two birds with one stone.

So now I'm playing the waiting game again.

Unemployed People Are Busy Too

2009-04-15T13:50:00.003-04:00

Just because I don't have a regular job, does not mean my days are filled with nothing to do. I have decided to make a list of what I have to do today just to comprehend the sheer immensity of things.

--email JR inquiring about his health

--email JM in regards to vet tech websites

--print out some really good affirmations I have found and hang them up in the house

--watch my videotaped 1 AM SportsCenter (I love Neil Everett)

--walk the dogs throughout the day

--go on FaceBook and check out all my friends

--Twitter (need I say more)

--go to the bank

--pick up some RX's from the store

--pay some bills

--enter feedback on eBay for things I got

--do laundry

--help GiGi write in her blog

--compose my own blog entry

--email an animal hospital enquiring about my externship status

--look for jobs

That should do it for now. At this moment I'm having a nice cup of tea and listening to the rain as I type away.

I also have about 10 magazines and 3 books waiting for me to read them also..I will do some reading tonight amid the American Idol results and the 10 PM news.

There is nothing more for me to write here, so I'm off to start my to-do list.

Wish me luck.

Confused And Annoyed

2009-04-10T14:18:00.002-04:00

Why is it so hard to get an answer about my school externship? I dropped my curriculum book off to a vet that I know quite well over 2 weeks ago. I have left 3 messages and none of them have been returned. At this point I'm assuming he doesn't want to help me out, so I have to go pick up my book and drop it off at another vet to start the whole process again. I called the clinic to ask if I could pick the book up, and was told that the vet is not in today, and no one knows where the book is.

Great.

I'm puzzled as to why I have not gotten a call back. How hard is it to call me and say "no, we don't want you" or even "I still need more time to peruse this curriculum."

And I don't want to be rude by calling every day..but I'm really confused by the lack of communication on the vet's part. I know he is really busy, but a "no" or "need more time" call could be made by the receptionist.

So now it looks like I'm back to square one. I'm really getting disheartened with this whole externship deal.

Centipede!

2009-04-06T13:46:00.003-04:00

I got my '80's video game fix yesterday. We went to lunch at a place called Fuddruckers, where they make really good burgers & fries. After we stuffed ourselves I walked over to the video game section to see what games they had. I'm not a gamer, I just always check to see if they have my favorite game: Centipede.

To my surprise and delight...they did! I begged my husband for some quarters and proceeded to play a few games. I managed to get a high score on one of them, earning the honor of entering my initials into the game's main screen. By the 3rd game my right arm was sore & tired from spinning the trackball.

For those of you unfamiliar with the greatest video game ever, here is a link to read:

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Centipede_(video_game)

I never knew that it was one of the first games to have a lot of females playing it. Amazing what Wikipedia digs up, isn't it?

I have tried many times to obtain my own arcade sized game from eBay, but my funds are not equal to what the games are going for (approximately $1200 or up). I'm not sure if I could even fit the game down my stairs to put it in my basement! That never stopped me from bidding, however.

It is getting harder and harder to find this game anywhere, and I consider myself very lucky to have had a fun Sunday. Burgers and Centipede...you can't beat it!!

Update On Sorority

2009-04-04T10:50:00.002-04:00

After I pledged Delta Lambda Sigma the other day, I emailed the President and Vice President with some suggestions for the website and other general thoughts. We corresponded back and forth a few times and I am proud to report that they asked me to consider handling one of the open offices of the sorority!

I am now the Vice President in charge of Recruitment. I'm happy to be a member and would like to share that enthusiasm with others. One of my first projects will be to contact other online colleges and let them know about our unique sorority. As soon as I get the "ok" for the letter I typed up I will start. Our new website will be up and running within a few weeks, and I will post a link to it.

It's good to feel useful again.

Delta Lambda Sigma Δ Λ Σ

2009-03-30T15:37:00.002-04:00

I just joined a sorority through my online college. I had never joined one when I was actually IN college, and I have severe regrets right now. This morning I was looking through my college yearbook, and noticed that some of my friends were in a fraternity, played tennis, and joined other various clubs. I was in a few clubs but have no lasting memory of good times or close friends. Of course, that begs the question, "what did you actually DO in college?"

I have no idea. I studied, I know I cut a lot of classes, and hung out with my boyfriend a lot. I never made any close friends during those years, however. I'm still in touch with high school friends and people I worked with over the years, but I don't talk to any of my old college buddies.

Anyway, back to the sorority. I'm quite excited to be a member, and am looking forward to wearing my "greek gear" as soon as I can. All this excitement and regret got me thinking. Why am I such a joiner? Earlier this year I was looking into a unitarian church, because I felt the need to "belong" and be a part of something ritualistic. I know I would find comfort in this. Unfortunately, the church was a little too far away for me to go every week and participate.

What is lacking in my life that I need to be a part of something bigger than myself? Does that mean I feel like an outsider? Am I comforted by meaningless rituals? How would I know, I've never participated in something like that.

Right now I have a lot of regrets. I truly wish I had gone to another college and been smart enough to participate in meaningful relationships. I wish I had been mature enough to find things on my own.

I don't like to feel regretful but I can't shake this feeling right now. Perhaps I can fall back on the fact that I went to college in the 80's, and there was not as much "stuff" out there to join. (In the back of my mind I know that's not a good excuse, I was just lazy. It just looks like there is more out there due to the Internet and social networking sites.)

So what to do? I know wishing and thinking "could have, should have" is no good. I suppose I will wallow in self pity for a few more days, and then try to get out of it. I will offer to help get this new sorority off the ground, perhaps participating will help me feel like I'm finally a part of something.

Maybe I'm just having a mid life crisis. I thought I had one a few years ago, but as I get older I've been thinking more about my own mortality and analyzing what I've accomplished during my life.

I know I should not waste time with regrets. Hopefully I can find what I'm searching for and will finally feel fulfilled and happy.

A New Pair Of Jeans

2009-03-27T12:43:00.005-04:00

This post will clearly illustrate why women get crazy at times. I discovered, much to my dismay, that my favorite jeans were developing holes in them. And they weren't even cool holes to be in style. The jeans were ripping right where the back pocket was attached. Upon further examination of 2 other pairs, I found tiny rips in them too.

Time to go shopping!

This is where the fun begins. I went to Walmart, sure I would find a pair there. I tried on at least 7 pairs, with no luck. I even had my husband scouring the racks to help me find the right pair. I must be getting old, because the last time I shopped for jeans there were only a few choices. I was bombarded with Loose Fit, Flare, Boot Cut, Boyfriend, Relaxed and Classic. Don't even get me started on what size I was. Depending on what style I chose, I was either a 4 or a 6. And in most cases the 6 was too big and the 4 just a little too tight.

Off to Target I went. There was a tiny selection, none of which excited me. At this point I became disgusted and went home.

Last night I figured I would try again. I went to Old Navy, my husband's suggestion. There my choices were Flirt, Sweetheart and Diva. The difference between them was the "rise" of the jeans. Lovely.

I tried on 6 pairs, once again finding too tight or too loose. There were plenty of size 4's, even 2's but nothing really fit me. I also had the option of Short and Regular.

There was a Sears store in the mall. I still had some energy and desire, so I went in. To my surprise, I found racks and racks of jeans. Levi's (my former favorite brand). Lees (my current favorite brand). Gloria Vanderbilt. Stone Creek (or something like that, the Sears brand).

Wowee!

I tried on NO LESS than 15 pairs. The short was too short. The petite was kind of tight. I almost found happiness with a Gloria Vanderbilt but it was a tiny bit too short. Then there was the issue of the flare. I don't want flared legs! I just wanted regular, comfortable jeans.

I happened to see a pair of Tapered Classic Fit. They didn't stretch. They didn't flare. They didn't have some weird pigmentation. I tried on a 6..almost, but not quite. I was ready to call it a day when my husband (genius that he is) suggested an 8. I was very skeptical, not because I'm in size denial, but most of the 6's gapped madly at the waist and were tight in the butt. The 4's fit in the waist but were tight in the thighs. As you can see I have serious issues. I weigh 118 and there is no reason why I would think an 8 would fit.

I tried them on.

Length: good.

Butt/thighs: had room.

Tapered: check

Waist: not too gappy, room to tuck in a shirt.

Could this be it? Was this too good to be true? They were Levi's, so they were $30, but I really needed a pair and did not have the heart to continue shopping.

I bought them.

I'm wearing them right now and they are perfect. I hope they don't shrink when I wash them.

A Bad Memory

2009-03-22T14:33:00.002-04:00

I just realized that this title could be taken 2 ways: I could be writing about something terrible that happened to me in my past, or the fact that I can't remember things.

I'm writing about the latter. I have a lousy ability to recall things, events, people, you name it. I was thinking about this last night whilst trying to fall asleep. There was a picture in my head, and I was trying to recall where or what it was. It was of some storefronts and brightly colored kites. As I searched through my available memories, I concluded that 1. I've forgotten so many things, and 2. I think it was a street in Massachusetts where I went on vacation.

That led to my next train of thought. I tried to recall my honeymoon (Mystic Seaport and Cape Cod) and could only remember a few things. I tried to remember trips that I had been on; only a few memories surfaced. Then I went way back to my childhood...the only things I can consistently recall are things that I always think about, or events that I have photographs of.

When I talk to my friends, they often will refer to things that we did together. I will immediately have a quizzical look on my face and then they will have to refresh my memory.

The worst part is that even when they tell me stuff it doesn't ring a bell.

How sad, that I had such a good and fun life and now I can't even relive the good times! I'm not that old, but it seems lately my ability to recall things has diminished. How I made it through school I'll never know.

The final turn my train of thought took was: why bother trying to do things & to make memories to think about in the twilight of my years, I won't remember them anyway! Basically I should just work, eat, watch TV and go to sleep.

I don't know if that is a sad attitude or what.

I just wish I could remember more about the things I HAVE done already.

The Banana In The Garbage

2009-03-20T12:49:00.002-04:00

I usually do not include links in my posts, but I had to write about this:

http://www.connpost.com/ci_11952243

This is an article and video about a teacher who was arrested for allegedly making a pupil take an unpeeled banana out of the garbage and eat it. The student threw away his lunch, the banana was in the garbage for a few seconds, and it was unpeeled.

The boy's mother was almost hysterical, saying her son could have contracted a "serious bacterial infection".

Once again, I reiterate: UNPEELED banana. I believe it was a classroom garbage can, which probably only contained papers and the like.

The teacher said she was concerned about the boy not eating an adequate amount of food. Of course, she was arrested for her trouble.

Is this ridiculous or what? I shudder to think of a society where people get arrested and possibly sued for nothing at all. The teacher was charged with risk of injury to a minor, which is a felony.

Can you imagine this? I'm sure we can all think of incidents that took place when we were younger that carried a much greater risk of injury to us as minors, than this one. Heck, some of us used to eat food off the FLOOR when we were little. And if our parents found out that we threw food away, there would be punishment for us!

The superintendent of the school thinks the case is being blown out of proportion.

I agree. There is something other than a simple banana going on here. It's almost like a witch hunt.

I hope this teacher's career and life is not ruined by this incident. She intended no harm to the child.

This is just another example of the "blame everyone else" hysteria that is gripping this nation. I can't imagine what this country will be like in about 20 years.

Rest In Peace, Heidi Q

2009-03-19T12:57:00.004-04:00

Two years ago today was one of the saddest days of my life. That was the day I had to say goodbye to my beloved greyhound Heidi Q. She was 15 and 1/2. That is pretty old for a greyhound, but I still wish I had more time with her.

She was my first greyhound, my "heart" dog. I loved her more than I thought possible. Because of her I started volunteering with my local greyhound adoption program. I met many fabulous people. At my wedding, the majority of the guests were "greyhound people". I fostered greyhounds, in all shapes and sizes.

I reveled in Heidi's quirky behavioral traits, like when she would see me eating and get close to me and then sit (yes, she loved to sit!) and wait for me to share. She would run circles around my coffee table, like a miniature track. She loved the cold weather ( I found out she came from New Hampshire. That made sense.) and would run and play in the snow.

She had a pretty good racing career, as she came to me when she was 3 and 1/2. I was told she sustained a racing injury that ended her days at the track. For all her aches and pains, however, she still loved to run, and she was quite fast!

Heidi Q hated her crate. When she was told to "go in your crate" she would bark and grumble and wheedle at me not to put her in. Of course, all that cuteness won out!

Heidi and my other greyhound girl, GiGi, were faithful attendees to Greyhounds Reach The Beach at Dewey Beach, DE for many years. Heidi loved to run on the sand and jump into the ocean.

As Heidi Q reached the twilight of her years, she slowed down, struggling to rise from her "sit" or when she was lying down. Towards the end she could not get up at all without aid. I did not mind helping her up to go outside, or feeding her as she lay on her dog bed. She was still happy and her quality of life was good.

One day after I had taken her outside, she started having trouble breathing. She was diagnosed with laryngeal paralysis years ago, so I was used to the coughing and gasping at times, but this was different. She appeared to be panicking. I soothed her and spoke to her, after all, there was nothing else I could do. In a few minutes her breathing evened out and she calmed down.

I was concerned at this new development. What should I do? She was ok for the rest of the day, until it was time to go out again. Once again she panicked and couldn't breathe.

It was at that moment I realized I had to say goodbye. I could not stand by and watch her struggle to breathe every time she had to go outside. I still do not know why she had this problem, as she was fine when she was lying down.

With a heavy heart I called my vet. In tears, I told them I needed to bring her by for a last visit. The appointment was made for the next day, March 19, 2007.

That night I put Heidi on my futon bed and slept with her by my side, as we used to do when I first got her. I spoke to her and petted her all night. She snuggled up close to me, as I think she knew what was coming.

You cannot stop time, and the morning came quick enough. Our appointment was for 2 pm, so I did have some more time with her to take pictures and give her more love.

My husband carried her into the vet's office wrapped up in her favorite blanket. As the vet came into the room, she lifted her head up and looked at him, as if to say, "thank you for granting me peace".

I held her and told her she was a good girl. She passed away quietly, in my arms.

On the ride home I felt as if my heart had been broken irreparably. Why did I have to love her so much? I felt terribly guilty for the times I had yelled at her or was angry with her. I should have treated her better!

I later learned that guilt is the main emotion, after sadness, that a pet owner feels after euthanasia. I was told to remember the good times, and understand that since I forgave Heidi for her transgressions (like peeing in the house, eating the remote control and my sunglasses!) she always forgave ME for the times I may have yelled at her. Slowly I came out of my depression and realized that GiGi was still there for me to love and care for.

It was soon after that when I realized I wanted to become a veterinary technician and help other pets live a healthy life.

I gave my Heidi Q a final gift: a peaceful end to a good life lived, and she in turn gave me yet another gift~ambition to return to school and make a life change.

The pain has dulled a bit, but I still think of my girl every day. She will always be alive in my memory.

Resquiescat In Pace, Heidi Q

The Cable Went Out

2009-03-17T13:46:00.002-04:00

Last night I was ensconced in front of the TV per usual. It was just after midnight and I had SportsCenter on (shocker there). All of a sudden the picture flickered and then the screen went blank. I flipped to another channel to see if maybe ESPN had fallen victim to a studio fire or something....no picture on the Weather Channel either. Hmmm. I went to the computer, as my internet provider is my cable company, and....nothing. The cable was firmly and undeniably OUT.

I called them to see what was happening and was told "we are doing routine maintenance, the problem should be fixed by 6 am."

6 AM?!? It's 12:30 now! What am I going to do?!?! (of course, GO TO BED was not an option. This is why I can't get OUT of bed before noon.)

I looked around the living room, bereft and adrift. My husband was sleeping on the other couch, the schnauzer was sleeping on my couch, the greyhound was sleeping (see a pattern here?) on her bed in front of the now useless TV.

Maybe I should follow their lead and go to sleep myself? Naah, I wasn't tired yet. I couldn't even surf the Internet!

As I sat on the couch nonplussed, I realized there was only one option (other than the normal thing, sleep) for me. I grabbed my copy of A Few Seconds Of Panic by Stefan Fatsis. It is a true story about a journalist that becomes a kicker for the Denver Broncos. I settled back on the couch, arranged the blanket over me, and started to read.

When my eyelids grew heavy I figured it was time to finally go to bed. It was after 1 am, which is my usual bedtime. I hoped the book would make me sufficiently sleepy so as not to toss & turn until the wee hours. I also marveled at how dependent upon the TV I had become, and hoped that it would be back on for me to watch tomorrow night.

As promised, when I got up today (at 11:45 am) the TV was up and running.

Thank goodness!

Haiku

2009-03-16T13:33:00.002-04:00

One of the more interesting aspects of Twitter is that you can do a search for certain keywords, and then be linked up to tweets corresponding to that word. For instance, if you type #oneword, all the resulting tweets will be a single, usually esoteric, word. I typed in #haiku and was rewarded with pages & pages of the familiar poetry. (Haiku is a japanese form of non rhyming poetry that consists of 3 lines, with the 1st & 3rd line having 5 syllables and the 2nd line having 7 syllables.)

I have always enjoyed haiku; it's easy to write yet challenging also. The writer must convey a picture for the reader in only 3 short lines.

I made a resolution to put one haiku on my twitter page every chance that I get. With that being said, I composed 5 haikus over the course of the day yesterday. The 5-7-5 composition makes it hard to say certain things; therefore my mind is challenged to convey my thoughts using different words or imagery.

You can see some of my work on my twitter page. Feel free to comment.

http://twitter.com/aylah234

Nothing To Blog About

2009-03-13T15:53:00.002-04:00

Nothing really happens in my life from day to day. I get up, eat breakfast, shower, get on the computer, walk the dogs, eat lunch, put the TV on at 4:30 to start the Required Daily Allowance of ESPN viewing, eat dinner, watch more TV and then get to bed in the wee hours of the morning.

As you can see, it's hard to get something worthy to blog about. It just struck me that my dogs have the same kind of life. Except they sleep a lot more than me, and eat less. Jury is still out on whether they like ESPN as much as I do.

I envy their ability to fall asleep instantly. And they are just as quick to get up if I ask the magic question "do you want to go OUT?". It takes me forever to get to sleep, and it's just as hard to get up in the morning (even if it's 11:30, when I usually rise).

So I apologize if there are no new blogs from time to time. Once I get back to work or school I'm sure there will be many interesting things going on. But for now....there is nothing to blog about.

I'm Loving Twitter

2009-03-06T13:20:00.003-05:00

As you can see if you check the right hand side of my blog page, I have joined the twitteriffic world of Twitter. It's yet another social networking site that keeps you up to date on what your friends are doing. You "follow" others and they "follow" you, so whatever you write is seen by your followers. You can post anything from the sublime to the ridiculous on Twitter. Some of the posts are really funny, others mundane (hey, just like a blog). The idea is to convey a thought using 140 characters or less. I believe the proper name for the posts is "micro-blogging". The colloquial name is "tweet".

You can post from your phone, your computer...anywhere.

I must admit, since I've joined, the urge to tweet comes over me quite often.

Last night I was watching Around The Horn. I'm a follower of the show on Twitter...and the host will tweet during commercial breaks about what just transpired on the show. It's like an additional layer of inside information.

I can see where all this updating can cause mental overload, however. By the end of the night I was ready to put the phone and the computer and the TV aside for some quiet reading.

So now I'm completely in tune with these modern times. I have a MySpace and FaceBook page; I blog, and I tweet.

What else will they think of next?

Scan Your Own

2009-03-02T19:31:00.002-05:00

Yesterday I was visiting my Mom. One of our usual activities is going food shopping together; I can carry heavy things for her since she is older and doesn't drive, and she helps me with the cost of my groceries since I'm unemployed.

Our regular store was undergoing renovations so she directed me to a Stop N Shop in another part of town. I have never been to this particular brand of store, so I was very surprised to see the new twist on grocery shopping that they were touting. As soon as you walk in to this "super" market (the store was huge) there was a girl exhorting us to scan our own shopping. This was sort of like the checkout counters where you do the work that the cashier is supposed to be doing...but much more fun.

I was given a small hand held scanner and taught how to use it. Basically the premise is if everyone scans their own stuff as they put it into the cart, checkout will be much faster. You can delete things out of your cart easily and also see a running total as you go.

The shopping trip went like this: walk down aisle--pick up package of rolls--scan barcode--put in bag. Pick up milk--scan barcode--put in bag. It was really awesome to see the item description and price pop up on the screen. When I told my Mom that the cheese she just picked out was $6.99, she asked if we could "put it back".

No problem. There was a "remove" button on the scanner. Just hit that button, scan item you want to put back and VOILA! it's done.

Up and down the aisles we went, choosing our stuff. The only downside of this store was that ground beef, 80% lean, was $4.99/lb.

$4.99!!!! ShopRite sells it for $1.99 or maybe $2.29.....there was no way I was going to be buying any meat at this place.

I guess those little scanners have to be paid for somehow.

At the end of our trip, we went to a checkout line, and scanned an "end order" barcode. The items were then printed onto a receipt and the total popped up on the register. We paid the bill and off we went.

I can see where this scan your own thing may not be everyone's cup of tea, but it made shopping more fun for us. If you are on a budget you can control your spending by keeping your eye on the running total of the items in your cart. You can even save money by noting the "coupons" and specials that pop up on the screen when you are not scanning items. And of course saving time by having your groceries all bagged & ready to go in the trunk doesn't hurt either.

All in all, another fun day spent with my Mom!

I'm Disgusted!

2009-02-27T19:52:00.002-05:00

I just received an email from the vet hospital where I was SUPPOSED to start my externship last week. Apparently the powers that be have decided that my school requires "too much" documentation and proof for them. The upshot is that sorry, I can't have you do your externship here. Sorry, that you spent your precious money on scrubs that we asked you to buy before you could start your externship. Sorry, that you will now have to spend more precious money that you don't have because you are not working, on an extension for your semester, because since you can't do your externship here, you have to locate another vet hospital that wants you. Sorry, we really tried hard for you but we just can't have our policies violated like that.

SORRY!!!!

Right now "sorry" isn't cutting it for me. I was really looking forward to doing my externship, some intelligent conversation, some educational activities, a reason to get out of bed in the morning.

I'm pretty disgusted. Now I have to start the process over again from the beginning and hope that another hospital doesn't find my school's requirements too strenuous.

This does not bode well for a happy March.

A Few Hours Of Friendship

2009-02-24T19:47:00.002-05:00

On the spur of the moment, I spent a few hours with a friend that I have known since high school. We've reconnected on FaceBook, the source of all things from the past.....prior to that I had seen him a few years ago at his Dad's wake. Needless to say, neither of us were not very chatty that day.

Today we calculated that the last time we really hung out together was 27 years ago! I can't wrap my mind around the fact that I know someone for that long of a time.

You know how sometimes you hang with a person and there are awkward silences, or stilted conversation? There was none of that today. After we talked for a few moments, it was like hanging out back in the day..comfortable, interesting, fun. We both learned new things about each other, and talked about our past also. Even though it was only for a couple hours, it was time well spent. I am grateful for friends in my life, and flattered that I am a person that these people want to spend time with.

Even though life gets in the way of making many plans, it is nice to enjoy friendship when the planets align.

As we said our goodbyes, we promised not to wait another 27 years to meet up again. I'm sure that will be a promise that is easy to keep.

My Dad

2009-02-23T14:05:00.002-05:00

I think about my Dad every day. He passed away on June 25, 2005..a day that I wish never happened. I was lucky enough to see him for Father's Day, 7 days before he left me. As I was leaving my parent's house, my Mom told me to give my Dad an extra hug, just because. I hugged him and squeezed him tight. I can still feel him hugging me back to this day. That was the last time I saw him alive and conscious. I don't know what possessed my Mom to tell me that but I am glad she did..because a week later he was in the hospital in a coma. I was there by his side as he slipped away, but I'm not sure if he knew I was there.

I wish he was still here for me to talk to, to give me strength as I go through difficult times. I want to tell him about my return to school, and my change of career. I want to ask him about his childhood and his life before I was born.

I am grateful for the time that we had together, over 40 years..but it still was not enough. I think about him every day and miss him terribly.

He was a very strong person, a hard worker, and full of love for me and my Mom. He was also very generous..a fact that was reinforced at his wake. Many people came up to me with stories about how he helped them out with cash, food, or just a shoulder to cry on. I was amazed at this other side of him, the one that others saw and now I was privy to.

I can only hope that his spirit sees me somehow and he is still proud of me and my accomplishments. Towards the end of his life he was full of aches and pains, in and out of the hospital, and I cannot imagine going through what he did. I am not as strong as he was.

My Mom has dealt with his loss very well. I believe that we both gave each other strength in the first days after his passing, and our relationship has grown since those days. That is food for another posting, however.

I am proud to be my father's daughter...and I realize that the hole in my heart will never heal, but the love that I was given will always be there inside me.

To my Dad, wherever you are: Thank you for being my "Daddy"...I love you.

A Quiet Day

2009-02-22T18:31:00.002-05:00

Today was kind of rainy and cold..a good day to stay inside. I had written myself a "to-do" list yesterday, since this was the first Sunday that I had no football game to watch and no plans. (Last week I visited my Mom so I was busy all day.)

I vacuumed, folded laundry, spent a good part of the day on FaceBook chatted with friends, painted my toenails (blue!) and watched my taped episode of Hell's Kitchen. All in all, a productive day.

Tomorrow I have more things to do: I have to make an appointment to get my Schnauzer groomed and most importantly; I have to contact my doctor to get a note allowing me to complete my externship for school. Due to my back issues, the hospital requires medical clearance.

Tuesday I plan to contact the equine clinic and discuss any positions they may have. I was a good applicant and faxed a thank you letter over to them last Friday. Now I just have to wait and see how things pan out and what the future has in store for me.

More Interview News

2009-02-19T20:26:00.002-05:00

I woke up today with my pain about a 5 on the pain scale. Usually when it gets to 5 or 6 I take a pain pill. I chose not to this morning, since I wanted to be sharp for the interview. First I spoke to the person who is going to be my proctor for my practicum. I can start as early as next week, I need to buy charcoal gray scrubs (to designate me as a student) and can complete the whole thing in 9 weeks. I'm planning to do my thing Sunday-Tuesday, which would leave the rest of the week open for work or any extra school stuff (and there is plenty..lots of essays to write about the practicum).

I toured the lab, was shown what I would be doing there, and lots of people came up to hug me & say hello. It was good to be missed! They were all excited when I told them I would be back for school. When I heard what the salary would be, I was a bit hesitant about this job. I think the hours would be 4 pm to 2 am, and besides that, I have to drive 45 minutes to get there. 3 days a week for school is enough driving! There is a vet hospital 5 minutes from my house looking for a tech, I will be putting my resume in there tomorrow.

I got home and I really didn't feel all that well. My back was hurting and I was anxious...I was tired...I got into my sweat pants and got on the couch to watch TV. I fell asleep for about an hour or so, then got up to eat dinner that my husband thoughtfully made for me.

I don't know if I'm not feeling well because my meds are making me feel that way, or if the prospect of going back to work scares me, or if the pain is wearing me out...or what.

I may just do my school thing for a few weeks to see what happens to me mentally and physically. That way I don't start something I can't finish.

Today's Job Interview

2009-02-18T19:42:00.002-05:00

The day went well for me, even though I had to get up at the ungodly hour of 6am...something I haven't done for about a year..I'm SO tired right now~

The upshot is: I can't do the job I interviewed for because of my back, I need to be in perfect (or at least much better) physical condition to handle that job, much to my sadness and chagrin. However, the bright spot is that I was (obliquely) offered a position inside, answering phones, handling lab work, rotating stock of medications, etc.

I'm to call the clinic next week after I have my interview tomorrow, after I compare & contrast. The only issue is that we didn't discuss salary, hours, nothing relevant like that. This place is much closer and smaller than the hospital I'm going to tomorrow, but there would be more things I would be exposed to at the hospital.

I can choose between small, cosy, relaxed and close VS busy, more opportunities to learn & maybe new positions in the future.

So as you can see there are many variables for me to ponder!

I will blog again tomorrow after my hospital interview.

A Job Interview!

2009-02-17T19:39:00.002-05:00

I've been communicating with the vet hospital by email yesterday & today..and today's mail was very exciting. I found out that they want me to come in to interview for a lab position on Thursday (good news) and that they will be charging students $1/hour for any practicum time they need (semi bad news, that means I have to come up with $225..but I can get this practicum OVER WITH finally).

I will kill 2 birds with one stone, when I interview I will also meet with the nursing director to firm up my school plans. I'm excited but also nervous. I haven't worked in almost a year. I hope I don't have an anxiety attack during my interview!

My back has been hurting me, I really don't need it to be acting up just when I'm trying to get my life back on track either.

I have an interview of sorts tomorrow, with an ambulatory equine vet. I was hoping that I could work off the books while I did my school thing...but I don't know if they would do that. I will have to blog tomorrow about the results of that interview, then compare & contrast (just like in high school English class) it with Thursday's interview.

I hope I can get through all this.

Update on Practicum

2009-02-16T14:52:00.002-05:00

I finally heard back from the director of nursing in regards to my practicum! She said she was going to discuss it with the powers that be over there at the vet hospital, and get back to me by this friday. Things are a-changing over there; they are making the students PAY for the learning experience, and I cannot use the vet that I was planning to use for my proctor. In any case, this is a step forward, since I have to complete the practicum before May or else my time runs out for the semester.

There may also be a position open at the hospital, I would be a good fit since there is no lifting involved. I hope to hear back from someone this week about that as well.

My anxiety levels were up a little last week and this week, it could be that things are getting ready to change again in my life and I'm nervous; or it could just be the chemicals inside me making their presence known. I really hope I can do my schooling without incident, I don't want to be having a panic attack at an inopportune moment (not that there is a GOOD time for one).

Other than that, there is really nothing going on in my life right now..every day is the same, like Groundhog Day (I hate that movie but it sums up what I'm going through right now).

I hope to be able to blog about new and happy things by the end of this week!

Work Worries

2009-02-05T19:43:00.002-05:00

My orthopedic surgeon wants to hold off on my back surgery, since my pain is getting better. He encouraged me to get back to work to see how my back (and the rest of me) holds up. So, I contacted my former place of employment, a large veterinary hospital where I was a tech. I left 2 messages with the HR director. No response. Yesterday I spoke to the vet whom I used to assist, and she told me they just hired someone to be her tech. Wonderful. Well, I still want to work there, so I contacted the personnel director, who, thankfully, answered her phone. She told me they were cutting back on jobs, there "may" be an opportunity for me, but nothing in the tech department, since lifting is contraindicated for me.

This was very disheartening! I left a good job to go back to school to become a tech and work with animals, and now I find out that the only chance for me to work at this hospital would be in a non-animal job.

Last night I thought of another option. I am supposed to be doing my practicum for school now, I was gearing up for it when my back went out. I emailed the personnel director with the request that I be allowed to complete my practicum there, then I could consider the other positions, should there be one available to me. Once I'm done with my practicum I would start my 2nd year of vet tech school.

Hopefully I will hear from her in a day or 2. In the meantime, I'm shocked at the state of the nation, that there are no jobs available and the resulting cut backs we all have to make.

It's a cruel irony that I was told when I left that they would welcome me back, that I was a wonderful employee...only to be (almost) given the brush off now in these turbulent times.

I'm not truly ready to go to another place to work, since I'm still sorting out my depression and anxiety issues. Doing my practicum would slowly slide me back into a work environment and perhaps make me feel better as well.

I will keep you posted on my work progress.

My Wish List

2009-01-25T20:39:00.002-05:00

As I was lying in bed last night tossing and turning and trying to fall asleep (otherwise known as The Nightly Ritual), I had this idea for today's post. I was thinking of all the things that I would wish for, if I was suddenly granted wishes. I'm going to give you more than just 3..I suppose I can put stars by the top 3, since that is the magic number of wishes that can be granted.

I wish my Dad was still alive. ***

I wish my brother Geoff was still alive. ***

I wish my Heidi Q was still alive. ( I really want to give this stars, but I think my next one will get them)

I wish I went to a different college. ***

I wish I could sing. On key.

I wish my house was bigger.

I wish football was on TV year round.

I wish I was still in high school.

I wish there would be a cute guy that liked me so I could flirt with him, and then in turn feel more attractive. I'm happily married but there is nothing wrong with a little flirting now and again.

Cute guy notwithstanding, I wish I WAS more attractive. Or younger, then I WOULD be attractive. Hmm, this is getting murky. Time to get back on track.

I wish I had a Jeep Grand Cherokee.

I wish my back wasn't herniated.

I wish I had more money.

I wish I played more sports when I was younger..like softball or basketball. I did play softball but only in grammar school. I was a 1st baseman.

I wish I could go up a long flight of stairs without getting winded.

I wish I didn't hate flying so I could go to exotic or far away places.

I wish my thighs were just a bit thinner.

I wish I had become a vet tech sooner in life.

I wish I had appreciated my parents more when I was younger.

I wish I talked to them more about their childhood and young adult years, or at least their life before me.

I wish I could have clearer memories of my childhood..I have forgotten so much, and as I age these memories are all I will have left.

I wish I could go skiing. I know how to, but the herniated discs put the kibosh on that activity.

I wish I could fall asleep quicker.

All these wishes make me sound like a needy wishful person...I'm realizing this now as I read over my list. But that is not true. This is just a list for fun, something to pass the time as I toss and turn at night. Perhaps my next post should be all the things that I have, and I'm grateful for.

But in the meantime, this is my wish list. Enjoy...and as you read it, think about what would be on YOUR wish list~

Requiem for a Greyhound

2009-01-23T19:28:00.002-05:00

I was out walking my Greyhound, GiGi, this morning, when my neighbor Karen pulled up to my house in her car. I had not seen her for a while so I assumed she was saying hi. When I walked over to her car I saw she was crying.

"What happened?" I asked her.

"Joey's dead! He got hit by a car this morning!" she sobbed. Joey was her beloved Greyhound puppy that she adopted earlier this year. She would take him for long walks down our block and Joey would always stop by to sniff hello to GiGi. All spring and summer I would see him and remark how big he was getting, and how well trained he was becoming.

"How did this happen?" I asked Karen, who was wiping her eyes with a tissue.

"I put him in the backyard like I do every morning, and he must have gotten out somehow! I called the police and they were responding to a loose dog on Route 130, but it was rush hour and he had gotten hit sometime after that", she told me tearfully. "He wasn't even a year old yet! I feel so awful!"

I know from experience that no words can assuage the sorrow when a beloved pet dies. I had to euthanize my other Greyhound when she grew too old to walk and go outside on her own...but I have never had a pet hit by a car. There is no way to prepare yourself for this shocking situation.

I told Karen that she gave him a good life, no matter how short it was...and that at least he did not suffer in the hospital or on the side of the road, alone. I also told her that I was here, if she needed to talk, any time.

So today's post is in remembrance of Joey: the fawn boy who would go for long walks, carrying his toy in his mouth and prancing down the block; who obeyed the command "sit" pretty well (for a puppy); who always wagged when he saw others and sometimes jumped up to give you a tongue slurp before his Mom admonished him to sit; who enjoyed the best life anyone could have given him before his curiosity led him to run free one last, fatal, time.

Rest In Peace, Joey.

You were truly loved.

What I Do At Night

2009-01-22T20:36:00.002-05:00

I would like to report, first of all, that I have been doing well the last couple of days..but I'm cautiously waiting for the sadness to come back. I hope it does not, of course..but perhaps I can see another light at the end of the tunnel.

In the meantime, since the football season is almost over (sob!) I have been keeping busy with the following shows:

Monday thru Friday I always watch my favorite ESPN shows, Around The Horn and PTI.

The 6 pm SportsCenter is usually good too. Monday is also House night. Tuesday & Wednesday is American Idol night, Thursday is Grey's Anatomy night, and Friday is the night for Wife Swap (yes, I know, it's like a car accident you can't avoid staring at) and Friday Night Lights.

I have also gone back to watching the 10 pm news on Fox, and of course the 11 pm SportsCenter.

I have also been getting up earlier (9:45 am) and doing more stuff during the day. I will see my doctor next month, he will interpret the new MRI results, and make the decision on my surgery then. Hopefully my good mood will continue and the pain will be manageable.

Every day is like groundhog day..the same thing over & over..so there may not be a lot of posts unless I get an inspiration. I will do my best to find some inspiring things to blog about...in between all my TV watching, that is!

A Football Tribute

2009-01-11T19:15:00.003-05:00

This post is going to be dedicated to the 2008-2009 Bowl season. It was a fun and exciting 34 games..a veritable football frenzy. Some of the highlights I'd like to share with you are:

Making NJ happy: The Papajohns.com Bowl, Rutgers 29, North Carolina State 23.

Lowest scoring game (and my personal favorite, since I'm a Beavers fan): The Sun Bowl, Oregon State 3, Pittsburgh 0. Clearly a defensive struggle.

Largest scoring differential: The Chick-Fil-A Bowl, LSU 38, Georgia Tech 3.

Biggest upset and highest scoring game: The Cotton Bowl, Ole Miss 47, Texas Tech 34.

The BCS Buster: The Sugar Bowl, Utah 31, Alabama 15. Utah would be the only college team undefeated, yet not given any respect by either the BCS computer or the voters.

The ending perfection game: The Poinsettia Bowl, TCU 17, Boise State 16. This was a heartbreaker for the Broncos, ending their undefeated season.

The making of Magnolia sad bowl: The GMAC bowl, Tulsa 45, Ball State 13. I'm a Ball State fan, and this was tough for me to watch as my Cardinals stunk it up.

Edge of your seat game: The Fiesta Bowl, Texas 24, Ohio State 21. You had to wait until the final seconds to see the Longhorns pull it out.

And finally, the Big Game: The BCS Championship Bowl. Florida 24, Oklahoma 14. Tim Tebow was everything he was hyped up to be and more, as the Gators stopped the #1 ranked Sooners to win the 2nd BCS title in 3 years. His leadership was impressive and the game close enough to still be exciting.

All in all, a great college football year. The BCS rankings gave great argument fodder every week, especially as the season drew to a close. I think the system should be tweaked to include playoffs, so there can be one final, best, winner, not ranks given out by votes or a computer. Ask any college football fan what he or she thinks of the BCS system and prepare for some invective.

Finally, I would like to give some serious love to my Philadelphia Eagles, who beat the NY Giants today to move on to the NFC Championship game next week. We will be playing the Cardinals, and I sincerely hope we can pull it out to go to the Super Bowl. At the very least, I can relish the fact that we knocked off last year's champs.

Go Eagles!!

Parental Advice

2009-01-02T19:00:00.002-05:00

In my many hours of TV watching I have noticed a few commercials that are, well, let's just say they are a sign of the times.

One commercial exhorts parents to make sure their kids "go out to play for an hour a day". It shows kids paired with pro football players, running, throwing footballs and general physical activity. (A football game is 60 minutes of playing time, that is where the slogan comes from.)

The kids treat this physical activity as something NEW and UNIQUE.

Imagine that, Mom! I can run and jump outside instead of sitting in front of the computer playing Madden 2009.

Parents are told to make sure their children get enough activity to grow up healthy.

Remember when we were young? Staying indoors, no matter how cold or hot the weather, was NOT an option. We wanted to get OUT of the house, to hang out with our buddies for a game of manhunt, or football. We even rode our bikes to friends' houses!

The second commercial starts out with us hearing a man's voice chanting "all those boys are much too much". The chanting continues, and we start wondering why this man is chanting like that. Eventually we are shown the man, who is outside practicing cheers with his young daughter. She has on a cute little uniform and pom poms. The funny part is this grown man doing the cheer, at first he looks very effeminate, but when you see the little girl it all makes sense.

That commercial is to tell parents to spend time with their children, so the children have a strong grownup presence in their lives.

Correct me if I'm wrong, but aren't parents SUPPOSED to spend time with their kids?

What state is our nation in if we have to have commercials on TV telling parents how to raise their children?

I think it's time to go back to the old fashioned way of raising children. No more "time outs" or treating Mommy like an equal. Mom & Dad are in charge, if you get out of line you get a whack on the behind, and that's that. We were all brought up like that and we are fine. None of us ever thought of calling DYFS on our parents, did we?

I never did.

I guess I need to turn off the TV and get outside myself, if all these commercials are bothering me.

New Year's Day

2009-01-01T12:35:00.003-05:00

Happy New Year to you! As I sit here typing and feeling thankful that I am not working outside today, I am also hoping that 2009 will be better for me than 2008 was. There were good things in my life last year, but the entire year will be clouded with memories of my back injury and depression issues.

Sometimes I think my life will never be the same, that I will never feel truly happy or be able to go back to work. Other times I think that there is a light at the end of the tunnel and I just have to be patient.

So I am looking to the New Year and its new beginnings. I'm not feeling particularly hopeful today, but I will be drowning my sorrows in the Rose Bowl and Orange Bowl games later.

Thank goodness for football!

Once again, Happy New Year to all.

Small Steps

2008-12-29T19:54:00.003-05:00

I started physical therapy again today. My orthopedic surgeon wants me to try that for a month and then check in with him to determine if I'm going to need surgery. I'm still taking my meds (I'm up to half a dose, from 1/3, seem to be tolerating it well) and today I started on ashwagandha, an herbal supplement to help my adrenal glands, anxiety and mood. I was a bit scared to take it, as I had tried it a few months ago and had a MASSIVE anxiety attack later on, but since my anxiety seems to be better I figured I'd try it again.

No problems to report!!

Now the next hurdle I have to get over is the habit I got into of falling asleep at 1 or 2 in the morning, sleeping til 11:30 and doing the whole thing again the next day.

I was rx'd sleeping pills but I haven't picked them up at the pharmacy yet, not sure if I want to go down that road.

I tried setting my alarm for 10am or so some days, but I just turned it off and tried to go back to sleep.

If I'm going to go back to work, even part time, I have to be able to get up in the morning and function like a normal human being.

So that is the next step I have to take..keep up with my meds and start getting up earlier.

I'll keep you posted with my progress...

I'm A Cliche

2008-12-24T22:51:00.002-05:00

Or rather, I will be tomorrow...on christmas day!

I'm going to be one of those people eating at a chinese restaurant!

I don't "do" christmas, there are no lights on my house, no tree, no presents. I will be spending the earlier part of the day with a friend at his stable (he gave all his help the day off so I will keep him company) and then go out to eat with the husband. Later on that night I will be watching ESPN as usual...and turning my thoughts to the New Year.

Hopefully 2009 will be better for us (and you too).

However you choose to spend the holiday: I hope it is everything you want it to be.

Random Thoughts

2008-12-18T19:38:00.002-05:00

I went to my doctor today for a follow up visit. He said I was looking better than when he saw me last time, and told me I would need a few more months (!) on my meds to really be back to my old happy self.

He also told me that it was normal for me to be impatient to get better, since I am having a good day here & there, when the bad days come I get very sad & think I will never be ok. He told me it's normal to think like that and to have positive thoughts. I am working on those.

I've been feeling a bit....not jealous, but a little envious lately. I know that is not a good thing to feel, but sometimes I can't help it. I notice my friend's blogs and they are better than mine. My horses are not racing well, and other horses are. Lots of people have money and I don't. Hell, people have great lives and aren't depressed! That's one thing I DO have..depression. And those envious thoughts. I will have to work on banishing them too.

My last random thought is that everyone in NJ is going to be thrown into a tizzy tomorrow, due to the snow that is supposed to be coming. I'm not going to worry, if there is snow then I will try to enjoy it. One thing that I am enjoying is the Xmas lights on display throughout my town, it gives a festive air about it. I must be getting better because last week the lights didn't do a THING for me.

Way Too Many Commercials

2008-12-17T19:33:00.002-05:00

Ahh, the holiday season is upon us in full swing. Stores everywhere are exhorting consumers to BUY, BUY, BUY so their loved ones can feel truly loved this year.

There are a million car commercials on tv, each one more intrusive and annoying than the next.

Jewelry stores are telling us that this holiday would not be complete unless the Mr drops beaucoup bucks on a sparkly little thing for the Mrs.

Shop till you drop!!

I am unfazed by all this blatant commercialism. I am a pagan, I don't celebrate Christmas, nor do I go around buying a million gifts. I celebrate the Winter Solstice, which gives thanks to "another year around the sun" and the beginning of a new year. I don't send out cards either.

I would be putting up a tree, or lights on my house, if I had a few extra dollars to spend on the conifer or the extra electricity, but right now I don't. So Solstice will have to be celebrated in my heart this year.

My hopes for 2009 are simple: a return to good health, continued close friendships and hopefully a little more money.

As the season bustles all around you, take the time to stop and think: what really means the most to you?

Happy holidays to all.

A Kindness

2008-12-08T19:40:00.003-05:00

My post today is a simple and quick one. I want to share how grateful I am to a friend of mine. He cared enough about me and my issues, that he took time out of his busy day to look up and email to me some links that would help me with financial assistance.

I didn't ask for help, he just read my posts and thought of what I was going through. His kindness is extremely touching. I fully intend to "pay it forward" to another person who may be having a bad day.

Even though I am sad most of the time, this simple act of kindness cheered me up. Words can't express how I feel, knowing I have friends that care about me.

You are very special, J.

Thank you!!!

I am in the process of filling out the myriad of forms..I'll let you know the result as soon as I can.

Update on Surgery

2008-12-04T17:54:00.003-05:00

After finally speaking to the doctor's office yesterday about my surgery (waiting for the dr to finish his chart, good thing I wasn't dying in pain or the like) it is being put on hold. My pain is mostly gone due to one of the pills I'm taking and the surgeon wants me to go to more physical therapy for a month and then go back to him for a follow up.

I'm happy that I'm not needing the surgery right now, I wasn't sure how I was going to handle it anxiety wise. However, I still can't work because I'm still anxious! I'm taking both my meds again, today was a kinda crappy day, got up with the jitters, etc etc.

My disability benefits ran out today also, so now I have money worries along with my health issues. If I can just have good days I will go back to work, part time to start with...so I can try to pay my bills and keep myself occupied.

It's just very disheartening when I try to have a good day and my anxiety prevents me from doing so.

When will this all end?

It's Baaaack!

2008-12-02T18:16:00.002-05:00

Monday was a good day for me too, not too much vibrating and jittery-ness. Today, however, is a different story. I woke up at 10 with that old familiar fluttering in my chest. I laid in bed til 11, hoping it would miraculously go away. (Why do I DO that? I lie in bed trying to go back to sleep, thinking that it will be different when I wake up and I: a)never get back to sleep and b)get out of bed feeling the same. You would think I would try a new tactic by now).

I had to take my morning dose of my pill..I wanted to try to get through the day without it, but I had a doctor appointment today & didn't want the anxiety to get out of control. I was vaguely uneasy all throughout the day, and now it's 6:20 and I think I might be calming down. I'm going to dinner with a friend of mine in a little bit, and I'm happy to report that my appetite has come back.

I lost about 10 pounds a few months ago when all this started in again..I'm a person that avoids food if I'm stressed or sad. Most of you eat when you get nervous or angry..not me. I'm just the opposite. Lately though, I have been enjoying my food again, hopefully I gained back those pounds.

The lesson I'm going to take from this is that: I had a few good days, I'm starting to eat again..so maybe the meds are starting to work. I just need more time.

Hopefully tomorrow will be another good day.

In Praise of SportsCenter

2008-11-30T17:19:00.002-05:00

As most of you know by now, I'm not working due to health issues. Therefore most of my evenings are spent in front of the TV, on the couch.

I've watched ESPN for a few years now, as Around The Horn and PTI are 2 of my favorite shows. But since my sleep/wake cycle is majorly screwed up, I've begun watching SportsCenter at all hours of the night. Usually my nighttime viewing consists of whatever college football game is on, then I tune in to SportsCenter. It's on all night! You can't beat it!

I would be so much more miserable if it weren't for football and ESPN.

Today I decided to stop taking one of my meds to see how I felt. This one pill leaves me feeling flat and unemotional. I really have no way of knowing if I'm getting better or not. Today I woke up and figured if I was too anxious later on, I would take that pill. I'm happy to report that I didn't need it, and it's now almost 5:30 pm.

I'm still undecided if I should take my evening dose or not...but as I lie on the couch tonight and watch Sunday Night Football I will be awake and optimistic. And there's always my old friend, SportsCenter, to get me through the late hours.